Endless abyss of nonsense and sorrows
2002-10-28 21:45:06 (UTC)

Oct 28

I feel them..
the tears running down my face,
bringing a warmth to my cold and frozen cheeks
i sit outside my chin laying heavy on my chest
i can feel my heart throb in my fingers and toes
i can feel my frozen blood push its way through my veins
i can feel every muscle move and twitch in my body as the
hope of freezing takes over
but at the same time... i feel nothing at all
im numb
i touch my cheek, but i cant feel it
the tears have already frozen solid to my cheek...
I have turned pale
my lips blue
i wonder
how long I would have to sit out there
before my whole body froze
before my blood stopped flowing
before my heart stopped throbbing
and i would be swept into a blistfull cold
never to be a bother to anyone ever again
I sometimes wonder why people dont like the cold
why people wouldnt want to freeze
mom... she cares... it would kill her to see me
to find me in the morning, frozen like a porcilin doll
my eyes grown over with a film of ice
my knees hugged close to my chest
and a tear that has frozen to my cheek.
davin... doesnt he care?
what would it do to him to know i died..
frozen to a porch...
with a tear stopped in mid stream
frozen in a perfect picture of sadness
and depression
leah.. kelsey... they would probably note that
i had left this earth...
but it would be good for them.
they may cry
but i cause too much pain.
whenever someone gets a little sad
i basically kill myself
because i will do anything
to make people happy
especially with themselves.
i draw too much attention,
and bring people down with my sorrows
and i dented matts house
when i punched the wall
and woke his parents
when i screamed in total madness
mixed with sadness...
people try to talk to me
i just push them away
im doing what i hate so much... when people wont talk to me.
i watch blood mix with tears now
as they stream down my face
a cut on my cheek
marks where broken glass flew
and hit its mark, embedding itself in my cheek.
i shouldnt have punched something so fragile.
at least..
i didnt hit anyone
thank God
i just wish someone was here
that i really trusted
to tell everything
stress and problems are bubbling to the surface
pushing their way through my soul
weaving, intertwining, seeming to squeeze my soul
which causes it to bleed tears
that stream down my face
usually its hidable
i can paste a smile on my face and people are happy
it makes me feel better
but something goes wrong
someone is sad
its all i can take
i cry
i dont want to tell anyone because
they woulndt tell me their problems any more
so i must ask happy
so they will tell me
and maybe i can help
maybe just being there
when i was little i prayed every night for a friend
no one came
sure, i had people that would smile at me
but as soon as the crowd cleared
no one would give me the time of day
they would just look at me
like a creature in the zoo
one of the ugly left out ones
and walk away
not giving a second thought about my feelings
such harsh things for a 9 year old to go through
as time progressed and i grew... in different ways
guys payed more attention to me
but not the kind of attention i would really like
i was used
taken for granted
never had anyone care about..... me
except austin
he has cared
but even he... became too busy for a relationship
and i was left alone
i dont want to be alone
but im sure im going to grow up to be
im obsessive... kinda
i just want someone i can be with
someone thats my friend as well
someone who will watch Zim & Gir & animes with me
someone who will stare at the stars with me
someone who actually knows what 'eva' is.
or 'gir'
or even 'escaflowne' or 'kenshin'
someone who wont make fun of me
for playing games like final fantasy
and someone who doesnt discriminate me
for not participating in school sports
and someone who doesnt judge me
because i dress in black.
i shouldnt care
cause it wont happen im sure
people... davin... always tell me
'you'll find someone'
i wont.. because im too stubborn
just cause i want them to love me
and actually want to spend time with me
im sure it wont happen
but hey
im sure you dont need to listen to this
its not important for people to know
cause few care
and those that care
probably dont know me enough
to know that they probably shouldnt care
think you can prove me wrong?
i laugh
i challenge you to prove it to me.
as for now...
im going to go...
dont worry... i wont do anything
though.. i dont know why that would cause worry.
im pretty pathetic arent I?
why am I like this?
maybe ill tell you later