monday 28th october
well, i've just had my french grammar class, i was shit!! he
did a test thing and said that any more than 3 wrong out of
15 was bad...i only got 1 right! :| but i got 65% on my
translation, which is ok i suppose. i hate being such a
failure, it scares me.
at 12 i've got an anthropology lecture, so i'm killing time
before then. i would go into town but i can't trust myself
not to go to the chemist or do something daft...so be proud
of me chicken, i'm staying here and writing this to you :)
i just got a text from you saying you're watching a show
with english people on....i watch neighbours and home and
away for that reason! it makes me think of you and i love
thinking of you! i always do, it's the only thing that keeps
me going. but i've probably said all this a million times
before, so i'll shush.
i can't decide what to do about the weekend, and going/not
going to spread the ashes. i don't think i can cope with it,
but i feel i should make the effort. i mean, i'm still
alive, he had his life taken away from him. it's not fair. i
feel so guilty. augh, i don't know what to do. i don't even
know how i feel about it. in my insomniac state this morning
i was reading some poetry about death (all very jolly :|)
and it really hit home to me that i will never ever see him
again, that we are going on saturday to scatter the only
thing that is physically left of him. i want him back. i
feel so sad. it's not fair. why? augh. i want to cry but i
can't even do that anymore. my tears come and go, and today
they have most definitely fucked off.
the fact that my mother got married has really affected me
too. i didn't think it would be so significant, but i feel
like all this time she has been stringing me along, and
saturday was the day when she turned round and finally cut
my heart to pieces. and it's not just that, it's not just
that it is now official, it's all the shit that goes with
it. all the shit that she causes for everything i do or
don't do, say or don't say...i can't fucking do anything
right. i'm writing before i think here, so i apologise if
i'm not making sense. you know, i don't care what she says
about me. i wish people would realise what an evil malicious
cow she really is, how much she fucking abused me from when
i was so little. that's all she is, an abuser, she deserves
to be locked away. they would say that there is no physical
evidence, it's the same with duncan...no evidence so they
can't do anything about it...surely the fact that i starved
a week to death, that i have cut my whole body to
shreds...surely that is evidence of how much they hurt me?
that they did in fact hurt me? i feel my mother has raped
me...raped me of my soul, of my childhood, my happiness, my
sanity. bitch. i hate her. how could she do it to me? how
come no one stopped her? they all knew, they all knew
exactly what she was doing to me but no one had the guts to
stand up to her. they were scared of her and her
psychopathic ways...they just left me to deal with it.
didn't they realise that if an adult couldn't cope with her,
how could a tiny child manage? for fucks sake some people
are so fucking ignorant. my grandma told me she realised
exactly what went on, she used to go into the kitchen and
cry, but she never said anything, never came to stop her.
and lynda too, my dad's sister, she wouldn't have us to stay
because it used to hurt her too much to see how i was
treated, to bear witness to the terrible things that were
said and done. i'm not angry, i'm just hurt. i don't blame
them at all, i mean, who would put themselves at the mercy
of her? they probably realised, like i did, that for anyone
to interfere would just cause so much more trouble, i would
only have been hurt so much more. i feel so betrayed and hurt.
i want to cry. i will wait till i get back home, and cry
tears of blood.
i cut 54 times last night. i'm really sorry, but at least 5 4 = 9 yeah?
it's the only way i can cope right now. i'm so sorry it
hurts you baby, and i hate myself for it...but that just
makes me cut more as punishment for hurting you.
i can't wait to see you. you make me feel so safe. we will
be happy when we are together.