daydream disbeliever

Why Do I Tell Him These Things?

I always resolve not to do so, but I end up telling
Joshua the innermost workings of my heart and mind, no
matter how personal. I told myself that he'd never know
how I thought I was pregnant-twice-but I told him anyway.
He wasn't supposed to know that I even loved him, but I
told him anyway. He said that I didn't have to tell him
that, though, he knew anyway. I guess I really am that
transparent.

But it's not difficult to talk to him-when we're alone
or on the phone, that is. When others are in the room it's
terrible for me; I clam up, my heart starts beating
entirely too fast, and my insides seem to want to have
gymnastics practice. I hate that. But on the telephone I
can just be myself with no problems. And boy do I get to
be a motormouth. No one needs to get me drunk-just sit me
in a room with Josh and they'll hear anything they want to
know. I'm fully aware of how pathetic I am-I posess no
feminine mystique-but at the same time I can't go back on
my promise to myself to remain an honest person. I'd
really rather be guileless.

I really believe I am beyond help.

He just keeps calling me. And just to talk, of all
things. I'm rather flattered, actually. It's fun to talk
to him, because I can be smart, and so can he when he
tries. He just doesn't like to try. That's the annoying
thing with him-he is so intelligent but he won't show it.
I know the old proverb about a wise man saying little and a
fool saying much (in which case I truly am the village
idiot) but he really should let some of his smarts show
when he speaks and through his actions. He just cares too
much about a case Budweiser and a fat roll of cheeba, which
does nothing but bewilder and hurt me. I know through my
reluctant source that Metessa has been calling him, which
in all honesty makes my blood boil and turn my spirits a
lovely shade of chartreuse, but I also know that I have no
reason to feel that way. After all, he is single and she
can call whomever she wants.

I'll just have to wait and see what happens. He's a
liar and a complete ass, but I love him anyway.

K.