my life
2001-08-08 21:19:17 (UTC)

Wed 8-7

Its about 5 in the afternoon, and im just writing really
quick bc i havent written in a few days. i have to leave
in a minute to take my brother to football practice, so i
thought i would get a few words in before i left.

i went out with ian again yesterday. i went over to his
place and we hung out for a few hours. then we went to
dinner (chinese) and to rent a movie. on the way back to
his place i raced this civic that had an exhuast and a kit
and all this stuff done to it (but it still wasnt very
fast). i beat him pretty bad and really impressed ian. it
felt so cool to win, it was like this adrenaline rush. it
was so great. when we got back to his place we decided to
take his car out and drive around. he drove to this road
that was all winding and drove really fast. it was so much
fun. but, the roads were kind of wet, so he couldnt go
that fast. but we still had fun. then we went over to his
friends house so i could meet edgar and greg. they were
pretty cool. on the way back ian got hs car up to 130 on
I10, and he taught me how to change gears without using the
clutch. (i tried it on the way home and it works) on the
way back to ian's caleb called my cell like 3 times, but i
didnt asnwer. he left voicemails and was really pissed that
i went out with ian (i had no respect for his feelings) and
that i wasnt answering my phone for him. ian kept telling
me to answer it, that he didnt care, but i said no. i
wanted to talk to caleb, but not in front of ian. so, i
told him that it was my calling and she wanted me home. he
said i should leave, but i really didnt want to. we went
back up to his apartment for a while and hung out for like
fifteen more minutes. we were laying on his bed and it was
kind of weird. i mean, i can tell he likes me, but he
doesnt do anything about it. he flirts with me and all,
but he hasnt even hugged me or tried to hold my hand or
kiss me or anything. its weird. he told me that he wished
he wasnt so shy, though. he told me that he wished i dint
have to leave, but i did.

on the way home i called caleb and talked to him for like
30 mins, i pulled over at publix to talk. it was the same
conversation we have been having over and over. he said he
isnt going to go out with anyone bc i said i didnt want him
to, but he doenst want me to go out with anyone either. i
told him that if he didnt want me to go out with anyone
else, there was only one thing he had to do. . . ask me
back out. but, he refuses to do that, so, i told him i was
going to still hang out with people. i told him that i was
over at ian's apartment and he was absolutely convinced
that we had messed around or something. i swore to him
that we hadnt, but i still dont think he believed me. i
told him that it wasnt a date, that we were just hanging
out (which it was, but i dont know for sure, its kind of
weird). but, he was just like, im going to stop caring.
but, the thing is, i dont want him to stop caring. i want
him to still care about me. if i could change it to anyway
that i wanted it, i would like to still be caleb's
girlfriend, and him not date anyone, but me be able to hang
out with other people without him getting all pissed off.
i hate the idea of him being with someone else, and i told
him that, and he was just like, how do you think i feel?
and we just keep going back and forth. so, we finally got
off the phone, he was less mad than before, but still
upset. and then he called me this morning before he went
into work and told me that he was sorry for getting mad. i
said i didnt care, and he should go out with anyone he
wanted to. and then he said that he didnt want to. we
really didnt make any progress. he asked some more about
ian's car, and i tried to tell him again that we werent
dating, but i still dont think hes convinced. anyways, we
got off the phone and that was that. i called him back
about an hour later and i was like, i just wanted to tell
you that i love you. and he said, i love you to, thanks for
calling, and then i let him go. he sounded ok and happy
that i had called. i just wish he would ask me back. last
night i kept telling him how bad i felt and how rejected i
felt that he didnt want me anymore, i think i made him feel
really bad, which kind of makes me feel good, but im afraid
that if i make him feel really bad, he wont want to talk to
me anymore. oh well, i need to stop thinking about him.

i think i am going to hang out with ian tomorrow, but i
dont know what i am going to tell caleb i am doing. i dont
really want him to know that i am with ian, bc i want him
to think that i am respectin his feelings. but, at the same
time, i have a lot of fun with ian and i want to hang out
with him. oh well, ill just have to see what happens, i

oh yeah, on a side note, santino told me the other day that
he told his friends that i was the girl he was going to
marry and he didnt know what he was going to do, but
somehow he had to get me. that really kind of freaked me
out. and now, everytime i talk to him, he is just lik, oh, only so
and so more days until you are here. and im just like, yep yep. i
kind of wish now that i hadnt told him where i was living. i am so
afraid that, once we are in the same town, he is going to stalk me or
something. oh, and he told me he was dating this girl (named jessie,
freaky, huh?) and when he was with her, all he could think about was
me. so, he doenst think anything is going to happen with her. i told
him that i just want to be his friend right now and i think he took
it kind of hard. i feel really bad, but i dont know what else to do.
i dont want him to think he has some chance with me, when i really
dont think i will like him. oh well, i guess i just need to make
sure that nothing i say to him sounds flirty at all. ok, ive got to
take trae, ta ta!