Lost and Searching
2002-10-28 01:20:20 (UTC)

I am losing it

okay last night went to the bar, was feeling the beer, and
low and behold, heath showed up....and damn, damn, first i was like don't let me go home with
him, but then after another couple of beers, i was like
yeah if i do it will be alright, b/c we know that score,
and i am alright with that.....i can and able to distingish
that for real......but damn i don't know what in the hell
there was this guy named marty who was yes handsome and
looked good in wranglers......and we were dancing and so
on...but later he asked me if he was a charity case and i
honestly informed him that right at the moment i couldn't
answer that....but to make a long story short.....met up
with him at annettes, started into it, and damn i couldn't
bring myself to anything...even me trying myself....and
while we were going at it, he asked what was wrong, and i
told him honestly "you know when you asked if you were a
charity case, well yes". after i did that i got up and left
him at annettes house, while his friend was sleeping with

Somewhere in teh back of my mind, my brain kept telling
myself you really don'twant to do this, and damn it was
right, and i had the balls to stop it.......I am going to
stand by my convictions and hold true to the promise that i
made to myself, i will not sleep with someone again, until
i have a commitment from them, not marriage or anything
like that, well hell if i wait that long maybe...i don't
feel bad for what i did, i just wish i had been able to
walk away from it a lot sooner

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