Green Leef Turning Gold
2001-08-08 20:05:18 (UTC)

Its another day

Hi to anyone who is actually reading this!

Just started this diary, so I guess I should write a little
about who I am so you know who you're reading about. My
name is GreenLeef, at least thats what you all can call me.
I'm a 23yr old mother of a 3yr old boy. I live with his
father. We've been together about 4yrs now. Before that I
had a pretty colorful history. Left home at age 16. Dropped
out of highschool. Got married, and left him when I was 18.
Dated a couple guys, worked at alot of different jobs, and
met my now boyfriend on the internet.I am currently
unemployed if you can call it that, I say taking care of a
three year old is JOB.

The reason I started this diary is that I have alot of
things I am trying to work through right now. I lost a baby
when I was 18 at 4 1/2months,pregnant. I had my son after a
very difficult pregnancy, and last December I had an
abortion at 22wks. I tell people, my family mostly that the
abortion was because of medical reasons. Which is lying by
omission. Its true the pregnancy would have ended up in the
death of my unborn child and quite possibly me too, but the
truth is, that I probably would have aborted the child
anyway. Thats the honest UGLY truth. I was really sick
already. And I wanted to keep my baby, but I knew I
couldn't. We were seriously financially unstable. And we
already had a toddler. I was losing my insurance, because I
had had to quit my job. So there I was 19weeks, and I
couldn't stop burying my head into the sand. I just did it.
And now the baby is gone. Since the abortion my life has
been spiralling down into a deep depression. I never felt
the loss of my first child and now since I have had the
abortion I feel like I lost everything allover again. I
have nightmares that my son will be hurt or killed to
punish me.

So thats where I am now. And thats where I will leave
today's entry.