My Reality
Ad 2:
2002-10-27 05:35:29 (UTC)

God i'm scared...

Its that point when thinsg are happening...its that time in
my life where decisions are no longer insignificant. The
next few chioces i make will be the kinds of choices that
will pretty much affect a major part of my life. i am
pretty much counting on getting into the art institute.
that would be my dream right now. its a great school that
i am so excited to be a part of. its not exactly what i
wanted but its a great substitute. i wouldnt have minded
going to tech but its really just too far out of reach for
me.. its too much money and my gpa is too low.
as far as men in my life goes....i got to talk to josh
tonight. its so funny it was basically almost three hours
of a whole lot of nothing.. he made out with some girl and
i thought it would have upset me more.. i dont know what
that means. i miss him like crazy and i miss us being like
we were...i dont want to say the spark is gone bc it isnt
at all, but its just different. i think we are just so
used to not having each other around, we almost have to
start all over again each time. we have to get
reacquainted with things and what not. but overall i think
we are still good for each other. there is a good chance
we get to be with each other which is a plus, but at the
same time he let me in on a lil secret, that he isnt
opposed to dating other ppl or foolin around with others or
whatever happens, and that scares the hell out of me.. he
is a great guy and there are a lot of girls out there who
would love to be with a guy like him. what if someone
beats me to him.. in the next year taht i get to wait and
wait and wait before i move to charlotte, there could very
well be someone who wants him ...god this is something i
want so bad and it just scares the hell out of me every
time i think about it bc i dont want to lose him and i dont
want to have to give up on my dream, and i know that sounds
cheesy but in a way he really is a dream, he is only about
a thousand times better to me than any other guy i have
ever met and he treats me with respect and he makes me feel
special and he knows things about me the sometimes i dont
even know and hes just a lot of what i want..i dont want to
be too fairytale and say he is the one, but i would go as
far to say that he has been the most amazing thing to
happen to me ...he has made a big impact on my life and has
made me see that i deserve better than what i allow
myself. i dont deserve to be treated badly and like it...i
dont want to lose this oppurtunity...i love him.
ok other scary thing, which honestly seems not so scary
after that last paragraph is losing preston. yeah he isnt
real good to me and no he doesnt try real hard to make me
hapy and he has never really treated me like i was anything
special and he doesnt try and sweep me off my feet, but he
has been what i have known for the past year.. he has been
the person i have been in love with fro the past year, and
i am scared that i lose that security at the end of this
school year. i lose the guy that was always there, whether
it was good or bad he has been there for a year solid. he
has put in the time but not the energy and when you think
about it josh has put in the energy just not the time and i
dont know whats worse really. i dont know which one is
easier to live wtihout.... preston has been and probably
woudl always be there if i let him, but josh well, he
goes back and forth a lot and i know he has a busy and
bumpy road ahead of him that leaves me with a kinda blurry
picture of what the future could hold for me and him, and
that scares me...preston would offer me a safe secure home
and probably a husband fi i really wanted it....he is
basically ready to start a real career and would make one
hell of a husband and permanent mate, but sometimes its
just not enough....when i talk to him and the most exciting
topic is the weather, i get a lil worried that my future is
gonna be a bit stormy, but when he holds me i feel like i
am in my zone, i am where no noe can hurt me and nothing
can bother me... i dotn know that about josh, and i am
curious to find out but at the smae time i am scared that
if i do that i will hurt preston...he means a lot to me and
to see him hurt kills me...i dont know what to do ...i
would love more than anythign to jsut know that i was going
to have josh and i would set...thats
questions...when it comes down to it i think that josh and
i would be a wonderful couple, but i dont know..its so hard
to give up whats comfortable and what could be permanent
for a maybe...thats basically what he is..i could give up a
husband for josh...a maybe....he is a possibility with
scary what ifs.....preston is a sure thing basically...he
would move in with me post graduation, he would be mine and
that would be that....he would be very happy to date me if
he knew that there would be a significant time spetn for josh i dont know...its so up in the air
and its so horrible bc thats the one way that i dont
work..i want to know ..i need to know so i can plan my life
and make things work out to the best of their
abilities....what the hell am i going to do...i am so
scared that i will lose one or the other or both and then
when where will i a strange city in a strange
school, by myself and all an independent person
dont get me wrong..i could do it , but god i dont want
to...i want these men in my life and i dont want to hurt
either...well honestly i am not real sure i am in a
position that i could hurt josh...he pretty much holds the
ball in that game, but preston..ive pretty much got his
heart in my hands now and its a lil scary...i love
them...and i know they both care for me and that we all
want to do whatever it takes to make things ok....there are
jsut too many possibilities for me to deal with right geting too scared too soon and i dont know what to
do with myself.