Pandora's Box
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2002-10-27 05:09:00 (UTC)

L is For the Way I Literally Can't Stand You Not Being Around...

26 Oct 02 Sat
9:48 p.m.

So, we like a lot of the same things. I tell him everything;
even the little things I say just cause I'm thinking them. He does
much of the same. I haven't been this comfortable around anyone in a
while. I love him as a person; he's about six million things I wish
I were, and he's still evolving into the incredible man he's going
to be. He watches out for me (it's been a WHILE since anyone did
that). I experience a lot of new things with him; I can feel my
horizons expanding. I prefer his company to anyone else's (outside
of family). He's classically polite; opening doors and walking old
ladies across the street and the whole nine. He's one of the
strongest and bravest people I've ever met, and I don't think he
knows it. I actually admire him. HE MAKES ME LAUGH.
Problem? Now I might find him physically attractive. I mean, if
anyone else asked me if to describe him, I'd say I liked his looks.
If I were to set him up with a friend and she asked if he were
attractive, I'd say yes. But I was never attracted to him. I really
dig the whole friend vibe right now. Our relationship is PERFECT; I
don't know that I could ask for anything more. He's incredible. But
lately (and by lately, I mean the past few days) I've been finding
myself wondering if he likes my looks, because I want him to. And I
didn't really think about it until I got home late last night and
the roomates made a fuss because I didn't say I was gonna be home
late and I was home late and glowing. (The glowing isn't on purpose;
he makes me feel at peace and since I rarely feel at peace, I
enjoy it.) So now I'm beginning to think about what they're saying
and how I like his looks and want him to like mine (although I'm not
sure how I'd feel about him being physically attracted to me, except
that I'd feel happy and terrified). And then I see him this morning
and he looked nice and he didn't say that I looked nice, but I
thought he looked nice and...I really don't know where I'm going.
But I know I don't want to go an entire summer without him (which
feels light years away, but still...) and I don't want to screw up
this friendship like I did the last one, and I don't want it to get
weird or different because it really is perfect, but I don't know
if I want more...I hope I don't. I don't really know yet. I do know
that I want to be Priority One and you really can't do that unless
you're The One and I know that's not the nature of our relationship,
but I think if there were a girl in the picture I'd be jealous and
resentful because I couldn't just expect that he'd be there whenever
I just wanted to see him at the drop of a hat. Which isn't to say
that he's at my disposal now, but I like that we can spontaneously
call each other and hang out or get food or do nothing together for
hours. But now my insecurities are kicking in and I'm wondering if
he's enjoying this friendship as much as I am because I need it like
air and wouldn't trade it for anything in the world except maybe a
physical aspect, but I don't know if that's my hormones talking or
some part of me that really wants that...and I just really noticed
it last night...I don't know what he did, but I know I was in a
chair across from him and I looked at him and it was like I was
seeing him with someone else's eyes and all of a sudden I was
physically attracted to him, like this electric current ran through
me, but only briefly, but it creeped me out and I snapped out of it,
but I keep thinking about it and what it might be like to be with
him, like really WITH him and I didn't wonder that before and I
don't think I like that I'm wondering...

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