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2002-10-27 04:08:07 (UTC)

oh i totttttalllyyyy love you more baby!!! = BLLEEAACCCHHHHHH

pointlessly revolting cute little messages displayed for
all the world to see from one of my exs to some girl who
doesnt deserve her makes me want to vomit up utter disgust
like no other.

on that note =)

~how pleased can one sun setting make you if you humble yourself to
it. how grateful can you really say that you are just to be here and
live through it? and when beauty asks a question how often do you
reply? how often do you wonder about life on the other side? on the
other side of sorrow, on the other side of rage, on the other side
of ok, ok at all in any way. imagine what loneliness will drive
someone to do. now multiply that times me and multiply that times
you. now imagine what it would take to make this all happen again.
and just when you think you're gonna cry, multiply that times ten.
you are distracting me from all other activities, and i know the
fact of your presence will dominate my memory of this restaurant,
this table, this day, and this town. cause i carry you baby, i carry
you around. ~

i had a good weeked so far.
its sat night, and im home pretty early for me.
i just drove back from tampa.
i had not been there in so long.
and its amazing how much has changed as far as emily's
status there is concerned.
it caught me a bit by surprise. not surprise really. i
talk to her enough to know somewhat of what she does in
her day and night. but, still.
being face to face with a lifestyle of that sort when it
comes to my little emily girl is of course
a shock none-the-less.

we had a good time. didnt really do too much. which was
good too, i slept like a fucking crackhead today man.
oh...it felt SO good. i hadnt slept like that in...jesus.
i dont even remember when. but a very very very long very
long time.

we didnt really fight. much. which was nice.
its not really the fighting that is so much of a problem
anymore. i mean..when you barely see someone, what the
fuck can you have to argue about? then again, we manage at
times. but yeah it was more of the...uncomfortable time
that has been getting to me the past couple of times ive
seen her.
the...silence. the knowing that shes upset. and knowning
that even if there WAS something i could do to change
that. doing it would just piss her off more.
like, red lobster vs bennigans.
dennys vs barnes n noble.

and it is so very trivial in the grand scheme of things.
means shit to me. on like, any level.
but, apparently...it is a big issue with her.

which is why i can not for the life of me understand why
we just didnt go there.


i have never claimed to understand her.

i just love her like a fucking idiot.

wooooaaahhhhhhhh theres something in the aiirrr

i cant get these stupid songs out of my head.
theyre funny though.

im excited cuz soon im going to be seeing shaun and that
makes me happy.
i miss that kid man.
a lot.

crazy relationship we have but god the amount of love is
just...ahhhh. it makes me want to jump up and down on my
bed till it breaks.
its great.

there is SO much that i have to do.
oh my god.
so much.

fsu really needs to fucking say yes or no.
either way.
i just need to fucking know.

but GOD do i hope i get in.
fuck i really really really really want to be accepted.

that came up last night.
she said she didnt want me to go there.
and that she wanted me to go to usf.

and i told her she was drunk.

i also told her to tell me the same thing today when she
was sober if she really meant it.
then she told me to remind her.


she didnt tell me.
and i didnt remind her.

and im not too terribly concerned with it either.

i mean.
its really not at all about what she wants.
she knows that.
it has everything to do with what is best for me.
its me going to school.
you know.

at the same time.

i had waited for...awhile.
to hear her say what she did.

but it shouldnt matter.

i cant let that fucking.
i cant.
i cant let it get to me.
i have to...do whats best.

fuck i may not even get in there, then i wouldnt even have
to make a choice.

but its a choice i want to make.

you know.


its just so fucking confusing.
and there is like NO ONE to help me with this huge life
altering fucking decision.
you know.
no one.

and its like one thing then something completly different
up and down back and forth.

i dont need that shit.
from anyone.

its so unfair to me.

and so yeah ive just said FUCK IT FUCK heh
to pretty much all of it.

i need to be selfish and fucking...
do my thing.

cuz no ones going to take care of me.

no matter how much i want to believe that people have my
best interests in mind.

im coming to realize more and more that no one really does.


my mom just came in a handed me some mail from usf.

this is really getting down to the fucking wire here.

nov 1st is coming sooo soo soooooooooooo soon.

i need to hear something from fsu.

i dont have 7-10 work days.

i thought i said that already. =)

oh yeah and um yeah i dont know about this friends with
ryan thing dude.
i think im going to stop calling him and shit.
or rather, picking up when he calls.
i feel bad.
i dont need some kid falling in love with me.
people really shouldnt do that you know.
its stupid.