2001-08-08 11:26:13 (UTC)

Up shit creek without a paddle....

Well it just isn't fair. Everytime I think I have got it
together something fucks it up. I thought I could deal with
Stuart leaving, (he was supposed to leave on Tuesday) but
he left today and he came by my work and said goodbye,
which is the worse possible thing he could've done. It was
sweet that he did but it felt like he'd smiled at me and
then reached into my chest and ripped my heart out and It
felt like I was watching my heart being ripped out. It was
horrible. I was at work and I had customers to serve and
all I wanted at that moment was to curl up and sob my
little empty soul out. When he got on the train I wanted to
stop the train and I wanted to hold onto him like a little
child and beg him to stay. I care for him deeply. He has
something of mine that I don't think he relises that he
fucking has........ MY HEART. And no matter what I say, it
won't matter. I guess I wish that he would change his mind.
But that is because I want him all for myself. I don't want
him to travel without me. I want him to stay in Sydney
until I can get the money to travel weith him, so that he
can feel my love and the greatest thing would be if he
actually loved me back. I know he likes me. Goddamn I just
want to bawl. When I go home tonight I will cry until I go
horase. The cat will listen to me cry. I feel like I am so
empty. It is almost like the thing with Baxter only this
time it is 1000 times worse because Stuart did pursue an
interest in me. Its' almost like being back in Lithgow im
that empty old house and having all those problems. It is
probably not as bad as that, because that was pure living
hell, but this is emtionally bad for me. I am a very
emtional person. And it doesnt' help that I am in the
middle of a period and it doesn't help that I worked an 11
hour shift and that I have so many worries and It doesn't
help thta I am that confused it is not funny. Nothing
fucking helps!!! The only thing that really helps is the
knowlege that I am stronger than all the pain and I will
eventually conquer it. It takes time. I have built myself a
wall withing me that makes me strong. I want Stuart and I
will prbably want him for a long time. If he comes back to
me then it was meant to be. If not I will be upset but like
Peter at work said " Life goes on Kiddo" I bought a packet
of tim tams. I couldn't help myself. Tim Tams and Hot
chocolate. Comfort food.