still single

sick of all the sh*t
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2001-08-08 04:30:19 (UTC)


Well I went to a notary class today instead of work(they
paid for it)I took the exam to be a notary public but I
think I didn't pass. Fuck! It was harder than I thought.
I'm gonna be rather embarrassed if I don't pass.I'll find
out in 3 weeks. I am so fucking stressed I've been ulling
out my hair like a madwoman and that's making me more
depressed. I am worried that I might be pregnant after
having unprotected sex once again, with Jason. Not only
that I shouldn't be having sex with him anyway. I mean he
pulled out but he got me pregnant before the same way
although I think he did it on purpose before. Now he's
really into his girlfriend and I didn't give a shit before
but now little feelings are starting to creep back. I need
to think reality here.He's a fucking psycho...but then I
think to myself...well shit, I pull out my fucking hair. I
took a pregnancy test today on my lunch hour and it was
negative... but then I realized that it's only been like a
week or week and a half or some shit like that so the
results wouldn't be accurate. I have been feeling REALLY
tired...Imean unusually tired...I even got 8 hours sleep
last night and I thought I was turning into a narcoleptic
today. And my stomach has been upset...that could be stress
too but when I was pregnant before I felt like this...the
idea of having another abortion terrifies and upsets me. I
so want a kid but I want him/her to have a mom and
dad...and what if I never get married...and I could never
afford a baby. I'd have to abort it and it would bother me.
Strangely enough I think that if I was pregnatn I would
definitely keep it if Jason and I got married but that
wouldn't happen in a million years. He's moving into a new
apartment with Brandy... and the thought is scary anyway
(marriage and baby with Jason?!?)Okay well let's think
positive conception here. so I bought this shit
dirt weed from Roderick and it is just like I described
it...shit. It doesn't even get me high.I could smoke a
fucking pound and still not be high. By the way(Who the
fuck am I talking to anyways?)I cuss a lot in here but in
reality I have a fairly clean mouth...well I booked rooms
at Treasure Island this weekend. I am really looking
forward to it...oh is a big thing that's
stressing me out...I have to buy a new wig every 3-4 weeks
(i pull it out too)and the one I've been wearing has gotten
sooo thin you can see through it if I'm not careful and I
feel really uncomfortable with it on but my ew one hasn't
come in the mail yet. I don't even want to go to work
tomorrow..and I have to meet with clients. I'm feeling
overwhelmed right now and I hope it's just pms(please God
let it be PMS)