My Psychotic Ramblings
A Cut on my Neck.
Well, I saw my new T for the first tyme this morning. She
seems pretty cool. I think she can help me to help
myself. I hope so, at least. Only, I'm pretty sure that
she's a lesbian. That doesn't bother me, necessarily, but
it's weird. I'm not comfortable with her yet, because of
that. Okay, it bothers me when I'm alone in a room with a
lesbain. Just like it would bother me if I was alone in a
room with a man I didn't trust.
I now have 333 dice. I have them neatly stacked and colour-
cordinated on my desk shelf. They are beautiful. I was
thinking about my obsession with dice, and what it means.
I just know that I like the randomness, the arbitrariness.
I don't know why I like such, but since I was 17 I have
been rather obsessed by it. I mean, every year, for the
past three years, I pick out an object in the amount of the
years that I am to line up randomly on a daily basis. The
first two years it was beads, then I moved on to 19
turtles. I hope I can get to the big Toy Store to pick out
something for my 20th year before I'm 20. I have two
months, yeah, but I'm already stressing about it. It's way
away in another towne. I don't know what towne that might
be, and I don't know the way there. But I know Jackie can
take me to it, if she so chooses.
I called Noah, Lou, and Rupert to-day. None of them were
home (probably for the better, too). I called Rupert again
when I got home, and he was there. We chatted for a while,
and he's going to call me back after he eats dinner.
So...yeah...after I got home, I said. I had to drive to
the city to drop my lil bro, Bill, off at a friends. Their
scout troup is going camping this weekend. I felt put out
by my father asking me to take him down there. I mean, the
city is 33 mins away. I'm on a limited budget, and gas
prices just jumped. Maybe I'll get paid a little extra
money for all I've been doing around the house. Who's to
say? I was just like, lets get this child to the city,
then I can come home, enjoy the aloneness, and let loose a
Let loose, I did. I cut myself. First tyme since December
28th, 2001. I just took a razor blade, and cut the left
side of my neck. Stupid place? I'm not worried about it.
If someone even does ask me what happen, I can simply
say, "Simon." (my kat) He walks on my face when I'm trying
to sleep often. He's scratched my face before. People
will understand that it was him. I'm almost certain.
I didn't feel all the great after cutting. I hardly got a
rush. It didn't bleed enough...I guess it wasn't a deep
enough cut. And it didn't hurt at all. Next tyme I cut,
I'm going to cut a deep X into my middle fingers. Then,
because it's like a necessity, I'll have to squeeze
lemons. I'll feel it then. I'll feel something all
right. Hopefully I'll get a rush of endorphins out of that
mess. And hopefully I don't have to make a habit of it.
Wait, I have to go eat a lemon now (with my medication). I
should go ahead and cut an X into one finger. What? It's
not like taking this med and eating a lemon is a daily
occurrence or something. ;) Nooo. I must go. I have to