Bast

Idiocy
2002-10-25 22:32:38 (UTC)

tell me

Let me take your hand and place it over my heart, can you
feel it? Can you feel how it pounds, how it strives to
burst through its cage, to be free once again. Can you
understand it? My eyes are lowered, I don't dare look at
you, any of you because you don't understand you can't
understand. By touching your flesh to mine can you become
me for just one moment in time so you will feel what
overwhlems me on a daily basis? Would even try if it was
possible or would you run away frightened by what you might
find out. Would you turn you back on me if I cried out your
name and reached for you? Would the rabid look that enters
my eyes scare you to the point of no return, have you seen
the wildness that overtakes me? Have you yet to actually
see it? Do you want to? Would you understand?

There was a time that I trusted, a time that I shared
everything, that I held nothing back from my friends but
that time ended long ago. I have secrets buried within me
that not even I know anymore. Nor do I want to remember. I
see those judging eyes, they are everywhere. I close my
eyes and they haunt me but why? Why must you harass me even
in my sleep? You have no right to judge me, no right to
tell me what to do, no right. I am my own person who has
made decisions that she has wanted, if it pisses you off
that I have made those decisions, those choices then oh
well, its my life. What I want to know is our you more
upset about what it is that I wanted and got or are you just
upset because I got what I wanted and you did not? You
still speak with him don't you, you still want him, he
invades your dreams doesn't he. I bet he does even though
you try to deny it, to deny him its not fully working is it?

The public laughs at me. A bunch of fucking Hyenas. If
only they were to look into the mirror and see how futile
their efforts to destroy me were. If only they would go
away, they speak to me constantly, they are always there.
They never leave me, do you know what that is like? Their
eyes watch my every move disapproving, their laughter echoes
within my head even now. Its all I can hear. Would you run
if you saw me at this moment, would you run if you were to
witness when I grab my head and scream for it to stop, would
run when I sit on the ground and grasp into the air, trying
desperately to hang on...would you, would any of you?
Running is not an option for me, it is for you but not for
me, I am with me for better and for worse. The day those
pills slid down my throat was the first day I gave into
them, their eyes, their whispers, the void. I miss the void
and sometimes I slip back into it. A helpless void of
nothingness, no emotions, no cares, no control
over your own actions.....nothing. The pain in my chest
feels like I was hit by a truck but its okay. I don't
really care, what is greater the physical pain or the
emotional pain that crashes over me in waves? Imagine
having both suck you into an abyss and leave you there to
spin downward in this whirpool that is your life?

YOu can't imagine it can you, most people can't, I wonder if
any of you really can. Would you want to? Would you be
able to sit there and listen to my rantings when they
overcame me and burst out? Would you be able to sit and
listen to what I was feeling, to listen to what exactly was
going on inside...




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