GillybeanG

Boys are confusing
2002-10-25 20:34:05 (UTC)

Halloween

Well tonight I'm going to a Halloween party at the
baseball house. I have social anxiety disorder and that makes me
soooo shy. I HATE being shy. Thats why when I went to college, I
started going to parties, and I started drinking, and I
realized that drinking makes me feel so much more outgoing
and confident. I love that feeling.
Tonight I want to drink so that I can talk to Fitz
about what has been bothering me. It's a whole lot easier
to do when I drink. I really want the awkwardness to
just go away. I want him to hug me and tell me what he
really feels and thinks. I want to tell him what I really
think too though so he won't expect too much out of me.
The last party I went to I scared my friends when I
started crying because they knew that I was taking Zoloft
for my social anxiety and they thought I was reacting to
the medicine mixed with Alcohol. That might have been a
tiny bit of the problem, but I think that most of it was
that I was already depressed that whole weekend, but I
thought I was okay again. Crying is no fun and I don't
want to do that ever again. Drinking for me is usually
a time where I laugh my head off at everything and I feel
so comfortable talking to people. I hope I do okay at the
party tonight and that I get a chance to talk to Fitz. I
still can't stop thinking about him even though he has
basically been ignoring me the whole week. :o( I need a
guy that will care about me the same way I do him. A guy
who loves me for me and appreciates me. A guy who will
want to be with me and I with him. A guy that makes me
laugh and would never make me cry. Thats what I need.




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