sunny4013

Tequila Rose what a day
2002-10-25 02:09:13 (UTC)

10-24-02____9:03

God will things ever change for me? I find a AMAZING guy
who i really like and even though we have never met in
person we live soooo close and we talk everynight about
everything and i really feel as though i have started to
love him. Then one of my bad habits fucks it up. I smoke
Ciggerettes as Most of u know and that turns him off. He
made a promise on his aunts and uncles graves that since
they died from ciggerettes that he would never try or be
around it. I totally am supportive of that but does anyone
know how hard it is to quit smoking after u have been
smoking for almost 4 years??? But alot of me is
contemplating wheter or not i wan to do it because he is
sooo great for me and he could be more than the ciggerettes
ever have been, but if it ends like all relationships do
wiht me being hurt BAD then who knows what i will turn to?
OOOO somebody give ur opinion it would be greatly
apreciated. Well after all that I have a huge dilemma to
deal with. My dad....he came back and he just wants to be
back in my life but when i think of him i think of hurting
myself again.....I have those horrible horrible thoughts
that brought me to the hospital last year. I need someone
to be my support. I always act as though i am the strong
one who can do anything and can help anybody. But at this
point and time i think i am the one who really needs the
support i need someone who will be able to help me or at
least be there to care and listen. Does anyone know how it
feels to be beaten by the hand of their own father? Or to
have him disappear for four years then come back for three?
and then to disappear agian and then again and now he comes
back and tells u how much he loves u how can that possibly
be fucking love that is not luv. Love is when u never turn
your back on someone love is where they know that you witll
ALWAYS be there for them no matter what love is when a
child does not have to fear the upper hand of their parent
love is when a little girl can grow up like the song
butterfly kisses and have their daddy walk them down the
isle one day. That is love and i will never have that. I
hate him so much but i know that all i need is to be loved
it is hard when others see u as such a fucking hard ass
when on the inside i am screaming for help and no one can
even imagine to hear me. Does anyone know how it feels to
feel completely alone in the world and dream of something
better that can only be brought upon by the strength of
their own two hands????? Contemplate that maybe then u will
know a Fraction of what i feel




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