JEN BROWN

dangit

I am a freak...a creep. No one can love me. I am a loser, a
stupid stupid girl. Just like the rest of them, no...I am
much worse. I am disgusting beyond belief. The biggest
screwball of them all. Can't learn from my mistakes, all I
can do is keep doing them all over again and again, no will
power whatsoever, nothing can motivate me. I cannot be
trusted. I will never be good enough to deserve anything
worth anything. All I am is a nasty, ignorant, dirty,
ungrateful, unloveable, stupid, girl. I hope I rot in the
coldest darkest hole with nothing in there to comfort me,
because I don't deserve it. I deserve to be thrown in the
hottest valley of hell, consumed eternally in fire, crying
out and not being rescued, yet staying alive in the midst
of all of my suffering. Or they should just lock me in a
prison, with no interaction with the human race. No
showers, no light, they will slide food through a crack
under the door, and I will be force fed, just so that i
will stay alive. Stay alive so that I can think long and
hard about what I've done with my life. I hope that I am
cursed beyond belief. And the worst part of it all, I
cannot tell anyone what I've done. They probably wouldn't
believe me anyway. Why I am I so good at hiding? At keeping
everything a secret.
I pray for the innability to lie. This way, from now on,
everything I do will be brought into the light by yours
truley. And knowing that, hopefully I would develop more
sense to not make excuses as to why I can do the things I
shouldn't do. I want to be reliable, trustworthy, loveable.
I will do my best to move on, until I think I have reached
my goal. My goal is eternal obedeince to God's word.
Trusting in the Lord, and not in myself, because I've found
out the hard way, that I know nothing, and that God knows
everything. God's way is right, mine is wrong. God is good,
I am bad. God is love, I am hate. God has mercy, I have
guilt. God forgives, I hold gurdges. I am horrible, and God
still loves me.