Shiva

Hellz Yeah
2001-08-07 14:05:04 (UTC)

don't be a doormat

Through the hazyy depths of my confusion I'm getting kind of
excited about the UK, and I guess I have to be since I'm
leaving on Thursday. I just got on the PC and started typing
away, found a 533$ tic, the units are sponsoring my trip,
the biggest shock of my life, and Max, my 25 year old cousin
is hella excited and promises that I'll have loads of fun. I
said, as long as it's peaceful, relaxing and I don't have to
think about shit I'll be as happy as a fuckin clam. He was a
little curious about my sudden want to visit, but didn't say
anything other than we had a lot of chatting to do.
I really don't mind talking about it, about Ben, I don't
because I still love him obviously, but I know that he can't
be in my life right now and I know damn well that I can't be
in his and quite frankly I don't want to be with him if he's
gonna be this much of an idiot and not explain to me what
the helliz going on.
I still cry, I still write bitter guy-bashing Alanis songs,
and i still curse him whenever I see the picture of us on
the mirror in the bathroom, but until I get over this
undying urge to break his hips and puncture his lungs with
two very sharp kamas, I don't want to be easily accessible
to him. I want him to know that what he is doing is
unacceptable and by not being here to talk to him when he's
ready, if he is ready by the time I'm maxing out in London,
he's going to realize that he can't just walk all over
people like that especially people like me who love the shit
out of him. This may not be the wisest decision I've ever
made, but I'm tired of being his doormat, who talks when he
wants to talk and the one who does all the compromising and
sacrificing.
It never really mattered to me, to sacrifice for him because
I loved him and at the time nothing was more important than
that and the things that I gave up really weren't all that
importnat to me at the time. Hanging out with his friends
instead of mine (basically dropping Callie, Michael, Berg,
Zina, Danny, and Arti for him and his posse, which was one
of the worst moves because they're all like strangers to me
now, except for Arti and Callie and Danny who always
understand or try to anyway); Shadow and Kay, and Simmy
were all originally his friends not mine, going over to his
place all the time instead of him coming to mine, going to
his parties every weekend...I'm not doing it anymore because
he obviously doesn't care. A person, who supposedly loves
another, doesn't show their love by constantly demanding,
constantly taking and constantly shutting the other one out.
The only people who know where I'll be are my parents, and
mom isn't even here, dad is leaving to go north the day
after I leave, and Shadow. Kay was so infuriated when I told
her i was leaving...she swore up and down that Ben would
"rue the day", and knowing Kay, I'm sure he wil rue the day.
And she wasn't as mad as I thought she would be when I told
her I was leaving...she just hugged me and that's when she
decided that she will somehow make Ben rue the day. I
couldn't tell Kay where I'm going because she would be the first person
Ben would ask and she would just tease him mercilessly and make
him feel like a toad...I don't want that. Shadow is the only
person calm and wise enough to tell Ben that he was a
fucking moron for doing whatever it is that he's doing, but
won't let Ben know that he knows where I am.
Shadow is cool like that...he doesn't speak a lot, we talk
all the time, but, he's not a man of many words. He says
what he has to say in about two sentences and those 2
sentences are always massively effective. But yeah, I'm mad
about the party, but, what else can I do. I know there are
badass drum 'n bass clubs in the UK so I'm not really all
that worried. I'm also not going to worry about the future,
what's gonna happen if this really turns out to be IT. I
love Kay and Shadow and Simmy, and I don't want to have to
give them up. And whoever reads this, don't be a doormat,
don't give in if your boy, or girl, wants you to do things
their way all the time...it has to be mutual...and it just
isn't worth it in the long run.
Ayn