guy fawkes

my life
2002-10-24 07:23:05 (UTC)

entry continued

I guess objectively I look at are you a good person or
not...based on in this situation did you do something
cruel or vicious or not. I am constantly analyzing and
comparing...it's like bringing a picture into focus of a
lens. Since you cant say someone is bad or good you judge
them over time and over circumstances. During this you did
this or that and for this reason. It's sort of a
scientific approach. This thought about love is triggered
in my mind because of this girl at the party w/ the 8
month old who married this man but didn't want to. And at
the same time I wonder if she fears him.
There is this person that I liked..i knew very briefly
for 3 months. I will be investigating this odd energy in
future. I mean when I first met this person I was hostile
towards them and how could I be this way if I don't know
them. I thought the answer lies in a past life...which I
will be investigating through hypnotizing myself.
Anyway at the time it didn't go anywhere...we were
friends for 3 months. Bad timing...I didn't write them off
and even now is not a good time. But when it is a good
time I will be applying the microscope and the scientific
method. over time over actions why do i feel this way and
what is happening to me. yes i have this fear of ending up
w/ someone who someday will somehow change into this ogre
and grow 10 feet tall and keep me locked up in a cage or
something. I should stop reading advice columns. They make
me paranoid.
But really what makes one man different from another?
From what I see of people I would say nobody is special.
Wouldn't somebody have to be special in order for you to
love them? Wouldnt they have qualities that you liked or
valued? At the moment I am focusing on things other than
love simply because unless someone special pops upI don't want to
waste time. I prefer to build friendships because those efforts
actually last and they mean something usually:-/.
I have found this one guy lately...who is a physics
major who is a great conversationalist~~he is super intelligent. I
wouldn't have looked at him twice(i would have though meh he's just
like everyone else big deal..why make stupid small talk etc...) if
we hadn't started talking. Turns out we weren't just talking about
Bs stuff. ie. *talk about the weather* *dead silence* *crickets
chirping*
We spent long stretches of time talking...it just came
easily. Turns out we had a bit in common. He is perceptive...he
had opinions, he had thoughts, he had a stand. I didn't have
to agree but I could respect. In addition, he asked questions and
he was kind to me. Thankfully,he wasn't trying to hump my leg. I
hate when people do that.
What is odd is I am not necessarily attracted to him
physically I mean he is tall etc...but I wouldn't have
been interested for that reason alone. The funny thing is after
I talked to him I realized I am attracted to him sexually.:-/
Meaning I want to have sex with him. I think we could have a
relationship.
Maybe when you are happy sexually then everything else
is good. Yeah I think if I found that I would do EVERYTHING to make
it work out. Yes I can understand a woman wanting to hold onto a
guy if there is good SEX involved. And if things don't work for
me with anyone I think I will look up this other guy that I had an
attraction to. Again it's not based on his physical body
it's sort of a sexual attraction based on how we related to each
other. So I wonder if my body was trying to tell me something about
him that maybe we have a chemistry together relating to a number of
things including sex .
Sadly the women I see REALLY trying to hold onto a
guy are where they are probably faking and not so much into the
sex and where he probably doesn't really love her or genuinely care
about her.
ok so right now i'm just going to go for things that are
in my reach...ie...local ..job, people, making friends etc.
thats a new concept for me because i've always been travelling and i
dont have a concept of HOME IS WHERE YOU ARE PHYSICALLY LOCATED. I
haven't stayed at a place for longer than 1.5 years at a
residence ..oh another thing thats happening now i'm trying to learn
russian on my own. i hope someday i can work as a translator and
visit there. I love languages.




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