rle84

rle84
2002-10-24 00:22:03 (UTC)

Third Letter From Wartless

rle

My friends make fun of me because I have no warts. I never
get invited to their parties. I don't think their stupid
little wart gatherings would be that fun any damn ways. I'm
sorry, I'm just pissed right now because everyone has a
wart but me. rle, Please!! Please, Please tell me how I can
grow a wart or maybe steal someone elses wart. I don't like
to steal but I'm desperate. Another question I have is if I
somehow manage to grow or steal a wart, will it talk to me?
My friends say their warts talk but I've never heard them.
I would also like to
know if rle has a degree in Wartology like some of my
friends say they do.
Wartless in Seattle

Dear Wartless,

You are right to be jealous of your friends. In a world
where I am superior and all others are stupid idiots, the
fact that some of those stupid idiots are superior to you
makes you an even bigger waste of space. To put it in terms
you can undesrtand, you are a wartless mongoloid.

Getting warts is easy though. So easy the fact that you
don't have any reveals to me just absolutely stupid and
worthless you really are. You see, warts are contageous.
(not magic ones though, ONLY I HAVE MAGIC WARTS! Your
friends are lying pig fuckers if they claim their warts can
talk)
The best way to get real warts of your own is to cut
yourself with a razor blade several times and rub your open
wounds against the warts of your friends. However, if
you're friends don't comply, my warty friend Squarey has a
sure fire method for fiving yourself nice looking "fake"
warts of your very own.

Dear Wartless,

Like you, I know how it feels to be an outcast. You see, I
am the only square wart on rle's neck. The others
constantly tease me and spend long nights discussing how
they plan to murder me. Even Blondie, the sluttiest wart in
wartville won't blow me unless severly drunk or blinded
from a bad case of venereal pink eye.

I will never be round. And therefore, never worthy of love.
But you don't have to be wartless! I've developed a sure
fire method to give wartless guys like you "fake" warts of
your very own. The only problem is, that these warts are
fake. And you will be forced to live a lie. Eventually your
friends will find out and laugh at you. And then leave you.
You will have to stare at yourself in the mirror every
night knowing that you are an imposter. And the guilt and
shame will eventually destroy you.

Anyways! Here goes:

What you will need:

1. Branding iron (recommended) or other long metal object.
2. Fire or hot coals.
3. Your own human flesh.
First off take the branding iron And place it into the fire
or on the hot coals. Keep it there until the iron is hot
enough to burn and scar human flesh. (You will know when
this is because the iron will turn bright red) next, pick a
place on your body where you would like to have warts and
press the branding iron on your skin. Voila! (French for
Wow!) There you have it. Fake warts of your own.

Here's what Herbert Ulmer had to say about my self warting
system.

Dear Squarey,

Thanks a million for your self warting system. It was worth
the pain and hospitilization. I now have warts to call my
very own. Yes, I know they're fake, but I try not to think
about that too much. Oh shit, I'm thinking about it now.
Damn. I am so sad and pathetic. After sending you this
letter I am going to commit suicide.

Anyways thanks again for all your help! The few days before
my suicide have been fantastic!

Herbert Ulmer, Oxnard California.




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