i have had a headache for the couple of days my tummy is bleeding and i hurt everywhere my period started today as is gushing out everywhere i want to sleep for days and days
its 6 54 and i am home from work.
i walk into jen making trip after trip to the trash.
apparently...the infinite mushroom. may not be for much
we closed at 6 today.
we are now not even open two days of the week.
everything is discounted.
...goodbye the peace and love generation...
hello snipers and wars and hate.
why is everything in my life suddenly up the in the air
a couple of months ago.
i was fucking set.
i had all of these plans and everything at the time was
going well for the most part.
now im fighting with emily all the time.
i dont even know what university im leaving for in a two
months or so.
my place of employment is going out of business after
almost 40 years.
im pretty sure i just failed the midterm of the class that
was supposed to be bullshit.
and now i may have to withdraw.
which would mean that i wouldnt be classified as
my transcripts from vcc havent yet arrived at fsu.
"seven to ten business days"
i dont have seven to ten business days to wait.
i feel like everything im doing is wrong for her.
i lost it on the phone with her today.
i was so angry.
so fucking angry.
how could she say that to me.
its just. with all of the other bullshit. especially right
you would think that someone who loved you would be a bit
more responsive and respective and just fucking nicer.
i understand that she is going through a lot of stress as
but even with all of this shit, i do my damnest to be nice.
even when shes being fucking mean.
but today i wasnt.
if shes going to be a bitch to me.
shes going to get a bitch right back.
just because i love her.
doesnt mean i dont still have heartless bitch ashley
and when shes being a cunt. i have no problems with
bringing that side out.
not right now.
i dont need it.
i dont deserve it.
but most importantly.
i can not handle it.
i love her more than the fucking world.
but i have my limits.
i just feel like shes drifting furthur and furthur away
like all that matters to her anymore is who im with where
im going what im doing
making sure that im not doing anything that would upset
its not about that shit man.
its just so not about that.
and its like thats what shes clinging to...
instead of the love.
instead of the trust.
i dont know what shes doing ever pretty much
and i am fine with that
and you know why?
i am fine.
because i know that she loves me.
i know that even if she doesnt want to sometimes.
that she does.
and i know this. this isnt going to go away.
and no matter how much she tells me she doesnt care
i know that she does.
and it probably pisses her off.
but you know.
i trust in this love.
even if she doesnt.
i trust it
more than anything i have ever believed in ever
its stronger than.
and maybe shell realize that one day.
and then maybe shell realize how pointless her jealously
and concern is.
she has my heart.
i want no one else.
and as much as she pushes me away
as big of a bitch she is.
it will pass.
somehow i know it will.
it has to.
i really hope i get accepted to fsu.
a whole lot.
and i hope that i like it as much as i think im going to
when i go up there next week.
i wouldnt live on campus there.