The Shadow of Myself
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2001-08-07 04:19:34 (UTC)

It took too long...

Last night... I was talking to my best friend... and she
helped me to understand something. Geez... if I had a
nickel for everytime that happened... haha. I expect too
much out of certian people. I have high standards for
some... and not for others. And if I don't get out of them
what I originally wanted then I'm disappointed. She
brought to my attention.. one relationship in-particular.
She sorta made me see it from his perspective... and when
she did I was totally upset with myself for being the way
I've been. I'm such a dork.

See there is this guy... I have pretty much thought the
world of him ever since I met him back in the day... or a
year ago. With each new thing I learned about him... I
appreciated him even more for his uniqueness and just for
being who he was. So... me being who I am naturally tried
to persue more... right off the bat. I was completely being
selfish and thinking only of my needs. (geez.. that is so
gross of me..) I was very persistent in letting him know I
was interested... and he was very persistent in letting me
know that he just wanted to be friends. Not how people say
that just b/c they don't like you and they don't want to
deal with you. I believe that was a very sincere
statement. I kept thinking that maybe there was a chance...
and I was looking past the whole friendship thing in hopes that
it would evolve into something more... something that I
wanted. I was so caught up in my own desires that I missed
was he was offering... himself. So he tells me now... that
he is too afraid to be himself b/c he thinks I might take
it the wrong way. How much of a bummer is that? To think
that my own desires... selfish ones at that.. have caused
one of the greatest guys I know to change himself just so I
won't think he "wants me." That is soooo sad.

I don't know if this is hard to believe or not. But after
the conversatiom I had with my best friend... I totally see his
side of things... and I just want to smack myself for being
so selfish. I just want to talk to him now. I want to
give him my most sincere apologies for what I've done. He
didn't deserve what I put him through. I feel horrible.
At the same time though... I guess I needed all this. It is
yet another thing that once learned will change me into a better
person... hopefully. I hate it that he had to be dragged
along with me though.. he was purely innocent. I hope that
we can just in a way start things over. I want to be the
sort of friend for him that is always there.. to give
support.. and love. And I want to be able to know that it
will be there for me.. when I need him to be. Now I know.. even
though it took me way too long.. I know what the
relationship is.. and will be... and that is totally fine
with me. I don't want more in "that" way. And I should
never have expected that.. or wanted it so bad that I
analyzed everything he said until it meant what I wanted it
to. I guess I just let the wrong part of me take control
of situations that other parts should be taking care of.
I'm learning.. day by day.. new experience by new
experience.. very valuable lessons.. that will prove to
help me very much for the rest of my life.


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