My Psychotic Ramblings
He's Dead. He's Dead. He's Dead. He's Dead. He's Dead.
So, yeah, he's dead. Hayden died. He's empty inside his
body. He's fell stiff and let go of his webbing, and
dropped down to the ground. I found him on his back Monday
evening, all lifeless and cold, and stiff. It's hard to
believe, even though I knew it was happening. I knew he
was going to die, but when he did..... It was different.
I missed him immediately and wanted to feel his prickly
legs (all 7 of them) dancing around on my skin. I walk
around saying, "He's dead. He's dead. He's dead." And I
don't know why. Those words are just going through my
mind, so I say them outloud. I'm so lost without
Hayden... And Saden died, too. I don't have any Arigopes
to play with, care for, feed, Love, hold, talk to, be
friends with. Hopefully Saden's babies will come out of
their eggs in the Spring and I'll have lots of Arigopes to
be with until Fall comes and they leave me. Then I'll be
Well, DBT was cancelled for Monday because everybody but
myself is having a crisis. I guess I can't complain, but
it pisses me off that I want to get finished with group,
but they keep not having it.
I slept last night, and a lot yesterday and the night
before. I took a Trazodone Monday night, and also 3 Tylenol PMs, and
I slept okay. I forgot to take my morning meds, though, so I got
tired. I wanted to sleep, but I couldn't, so I took another
Trazodone late that morning... And I slept some more, off and on all
day. That night I took nothing to help me sleep, and my Blankie, and
Tobey, and Saige were in the wash, but I slept OK anyway. I'm tired
right now, still, but I can't stay still long enough to fall asleep.
I'm planning on going over to Noah's this evening. I'm scared about
it, because I act weird around people and it scares me... But most
of the tyme I'll be asleep and unaware of the stupid shit I'm doing.
Still, Noah has a lot of patience to put up with me so long of a
tyme. I wish I could be a better girl friend to him. I just don't
know how to. I try my best and it's not good enough for me, but
maybe it's okay for him.
Jackie is leaving to-day to go on a road trip. I should have a
fairly decent tyme with her away. And hopefully she does okay and
stays out of trouble along the way.