My Heart and Soul....
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2002-10-22 22:13:33 (UTC)


Ugh...so much shit anymore....I'm here to tell you...

Let me start with a very happy birthday to my best friend in
the whole world Gaby. This girl has been by my side through
everything! Getting my heart broken by Drew...all that shit
that I went through for over a year. Driving to Binghamton
almost every weekend so I could see my Europe love Nate.
Supporting me through the whole David break-up, knowing that
I loved him more than anything. Sitting and listen to me
talk about that guy even 6 months after he walked out of my
life. Always being there to listen to me when I was upset,
and always knowing what to say. So many memories, to many to
write. Things that only a best friend can do for another
best friend. I don't know what I would do without her. So
Happy Birthday Hun. Hopefully 18 will be better than 16 for
both of us. No Erik and no Drew should make it easier, I
hope.... :-)Love you tons! Best Friends Forever!!!!!!

Yea...makes me sad. If you dont know our history, we were
just starting to hang out when we both went through the
TOUGHEST break-ups, right about the same time. And even
knowing as little as we did about each other...we managed to
help each other through it. I'm so thankful for that. It
just makes sappy old me sad to think that 2 years have gone
by so fast. I don't know where time has gone. Sometimes I
wish I could go back, and do things differently. I know I
would chage a lot. Like dating someone so much older than
me. I knew it would never work. And even knowing that, and
admitting it to myself, I still can't get over it. That
pisses me off. Him, and David. The guy I gave my everything
to. The one that I wanted it to work out with. Then one day,
i woke up, and he was out of my life. I still miss him as
much as I did the day he left, which was 9 months ago next
Tuesday. Call me crazy.

Yea...and that was the last time I got attatched to someone.
I just can't let myself get hurt. I get a crush on someone,
but I can't go beyond that. And even crushes. I've had what?
1 maybe 2 if you stretch it. Other than that, I've been
single. And I hate it. I hate seeing all my friends all
happy. I know I say it all the time. I just want someone to
cuddle with. Someone who comes up to me and says "I love
you." and means it. Someone who I can say it back to, and
mean it.

Hmmmm...what else? Being torn about my future? I was SO sure
that the Army was what I wanted. But now I'm tutoring a kid
in French, and I love it. I know I would love to be a
teacher, and God knows the world needs people who love to
teach. But...I'll miss out on a lot of opportuinities, and I
would love to serve my country, to work toward peace,
but...now we are going to War. And I don't agree with that.

WOW! I am so depressed. I am supposed to be gettin on
Anti's. And my family is making me see a counselor again.
Which I guess is good, cause I can feel myself getting
depressed. I hate that. Knowing that I am going down into
that hole, and not being able to do anything about it. BLAH!

I dont know why you people read this. Just to see how fucked
up happy little jenn really is??? I hate this. I don't want
people thinking I am some freak with all these problems. BUT
i hate acting happy all the time. I get so sick of no one
caring that I am sad and lonely. I just want someone to hold
me, and tell me that everything is gonna be ok....


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