2002-10-22 08:05:34 (UTC)

approaching what could be real

i may be stepping out on a limb, but i am on the edge, and
thats where it all happens. i think thats how the quote
went from pi. but anyway, this is very much for real. i
think im discovering the fundamentals of the nature of my
mind's behavior. its all coming together. my guilt and
regret; its not really that. i think for every decision i
make, im just outnumbered. see, there's a microcosm of
voices, ideas, opinions, people, and society, even.
humanity itself is in my head. the history of all the
revoltuions, movements, theories, philosophies, religions,
all compose my mind. therefore, that is why i always regret
my decisions, becase the majority always disagrees. since
no one can agree on morality itself, there is no right or
wrong in my head, or at least i think everything i do is
wrong. its just as if the entire 6 billion people on earth
are trying to run my head, its a mess, its impossible.
thats why i feel guilt. its why i dont' feel any true
pleasure. the only things that genuinely make me happy are
the basic recognizable human desires: food and sex. im not
ashamed, its natural, everyone must agree, it's in our
blood, its what makes animals animals. everything above
that, that of which makes us human, is where disagreements
merge: consciousness. the ability to recognize one's own
self is a trait that only humans have (plus dolphins might
too, but thats neither here nor there). do i recognize my
own existence? its been a fear of mine for a while. im
afaid to look at myself; im fine looking at my mind and
stuff, but looking at myself is something way different. i
dunno, im rambling, making stuff up as i go along, just
riding this high i got. ok, so lemme think, music, probably
at least 3rd on the list of things that influence / make me
happy. every culture has music. everyone has some craving
for it, or at least the majority does. so, maybe, maybe, i
have to follow my life as the majority does. sure, this way
goes against my anarchist, anti-capitalist, artistic, anti-
consumerist, individualistic sect of my mind, but then
again, there's a lot more that would agree to follow the
crowd. hmm.... i really need to expand on this theory, its
vital if im going to live, and not just survive. ugh, maybe
im reading into this thing too much. maybe what that other
james fellow said was right, i need to step back, but ive
made that mistake before. or have i, i may just be talking
out of my ass now, hmmm.... yes, i have taken steps back,
shit no, i can't comprehend it now, maybe i haven't, then
again, i can't really comprehend anyting in this state. ill
give it some thought, plus i need to email that guy back
soon, maybe later. so, i have a multicultural society
living in my mind, arguing with each other, and im
believing it, maybe i am schizotypal, ya probably, but i
prefer to think of it as just another level of thinking,
like existentialism or transcedentalism, its just theories,
nothing more than theories. so, what about religion? so
far, Christianity is far in the lead, since i have lotsa
proof that my prayers have always come true, trouble is, im
too lazy (or too prideful? too forgetful?) to pray that
often. but, strangely enough, i think that every prayer has
come true so far. its not like, gimmme a bag o' money, its
just like, ok, please don't let me regret this speech im
going to make, or don't let me screw up in karate today,
etc. o well, i still have nagging doubts, more evidence to
support my theory. i hope i still qualify for heaven tho,
probably, since its become second nature to pray
frantically whenver im about to die (most often in dreams,
of course, which is really substansive, since that means my
subconscious may actually be Christian, something that
really surprises me). but anyway, im not sure if i wrote
this down in my last entries, but i got a 30 out of 50 on
an essay that i thought i got at least a c on, and i was
pissed and depressed due to that little fact for a long
time, then today, she passed us back the revised version of
the essay that we all had to do, and i got a 48/50 on that,
plus she changed the last grade to 40/50, saying 'i may
have been a little too harsh'. its a good thing she
recognized that too, since i was saying that the whole time
i was revising my essay. she even said that ill i need to
do was change these couple sentences around and i should be
fine, so i was like, then y did i get a d- for just those
little errors? plus, i prayed right before she gave us back
those 2 papers that i would't be disappointed, and i
couldn't be further from disappointment. i hsould really
exploit (for lack of a better word) this gift. but,
something's jsut holding me back, mostly doubt, due to them
heathens in my mind, but o well, just so long as they
aren't violent im ok. i don't really want to get into
social issues now, since #1 i would ramble on and on about
shit i pretend to know, and of course #2 b/c of this new
theory, i don't think i have any true opinions anyway.
well, like mercury and subconscious theories, this one will
evolve quite a bit, too. im just getting started, see me in
a year and ill probably have devoured this theory, digested
it into a totally new version, and out searching for more
answers. im off.

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