Daniel Karp

Dog Day Afternoons
2001-08-06 13:56:05 (UTC)


I guess the best reason I joined an online diary was to
have the freedom to write to myself about things I do not
have the courage to admit, at least to others. This is not
a private venture or a public one. Perhaps the real reason
for this newest addition to my life is to help others
understand my motives a little more. It is my best hope
that this helps me and you.

Something is missing in my life. I can't shop for this
peice of my exsistance, and I certainly can't expect to
fill it with exercise, sleep or drugs(although I try). It
has been missing for about two months now. It is my fault
that it originallty dissappeard. I took it for granted and
failed to notice when it began to slip away from me. This
package, you could say, is an integral piece of my life. In
truth, it changed my entire self starting from the moment
it entered my space. An entire universe lies out there.
Whole worlds, and I found a piece of it that reflects the
best of it all. When I looked at it I could search for
years and never find a negative or undesirable aspect. I
spent years with it. We grew together. Went special places
together. We even made sacrifices for each other.
Everytime I look inside myself it is there smiling back at
me. When I feel alone it is there holding my hand. I am
my thing and my thing is me. Circumstances have seperated
us. Time is testing us. Patience is now a virtue more
then ever before. Emotions fly and I say and think
irrational things. Selfishnous is a disease that seems to
attack its victims at the most opportune times. I've hurt
my precious and in that hurt myself. There are so many
unsaid words. so much terrible clutter. My life with out
it has been a mess of one distraction or another trying to
keep my thoughts positive and alive. Alas, it is a lie.
With out I am lost. I try so hard to be strong, but in my
most ernest attempts I fail us both. My frustration
manifests itself in high flying tempers and wild
acusations. I am slowly deserving it less and less. I
thought I was the blessing but am now the curse. There is
a piece missing in my life and I will get it back. I miss
her so much. WHy do I hurt her so? Please do not hold my
frustrations against me. We will overcome this, I promise.