Mind of a Wierdo
2001-08-06 06:06:38 (UTC)

Smelly Sara II

Yes Sara still smells and she is sitting next to me. Well
we went to the beach and we took Sara (boxer pup) and
Shadow (half husky half wolf)and I will tell you, these are
the biggest wusses of dogs that I kno. They were afraid of
the water. Shadow ran away from the water and Sara refused
to go anywhere near the water. So my mom and I just sat
there and admired the water with the dogs behind us. O yea
by the way we were at Half moon bay. Well we headed home
where I ended up babysitting my two lil cousins Matthew and
Naomi. No biggie! So when they were all settled down to a
good movie I went to my room and put braids in my hair. I
was bored what can I say? Sue me! Hahaha. Okay well I just
got finished with it just now. It is about 10:40 pm on
August 5, 2001. Tomorrow Chris is supposed to be returning.
Or so I was told. I got a call today from my friend Alex
and he said that Chris is coming back Tuesday. Well I guess
I won't see him for another 6 days. Whether he sees me or
not I am sure he will have fun anyways. Go see a movie with
Alex. Go hangout with Vi. Give Jimmy a call to see if he
wants to do anything. Call Pablo and see if he wants to go
hangout or play video games. I am pretty sure all those are
goin to be part of his week when he gets back. I am a
boring person anyways. I could sit on a swing alll day and
be the most happiest person in the world. But I am sure
Chris wouldn't join me for that .... he needs more
excitement. O well I can always just go and do that by
myself. *Sigh* I sound so depressing. Should just
like ...... go........ hang myself or something and stop
all the boredom I cause everyone. I mean ....... O how I
wish I could explain all. My feelings, my thoughts, my
life. I mean in my head it is all laid out ... but to put
it into words is the big problem. How I feel about this and
that. How I think about things. How I just wish life would
just end. You know if Chris ever finds this, he is goin to
be soooo pissed. I mean worst has already come to worst.
Yes I did slit my wrists ... a few went the right way. I
did almost hang myself but that was on accident ... I was
in a tree and I slipped the rope around my neck cus I was
playing and then I slipped out of the tree. I have pulled
out knives on myself. I attempted to drink a poisonous
substance till I was startled by the presence of someone
walking in and I dropped the damn thing. And what I feel so
bad about is that nobody knows about any of this till now.
Nobody knows how I lived cus I went up to people with this
lil smile and my cheery lil happy mood and acted as if
everything was all peachy. Dont get me wrong I am not a
perky person. I just always tend to have a smile on my face
because a smile always makes another persons day brighter.
I was always trying to convince myself that I was okay. I
never wanted anyone to kno what I was going through. I
always denied my negative feelings for the sake of my
friends. SOOO many times I could have blown up and started
ranting about how my life is flucked and how it is screwed.
And if anyone ever told me that it was all goin to be
okay ... I would have started to get pissed and start to
yell at everyone because I am just full of negative energy.
I HATE IT! I want to move on with my life but I feel
trapped between my mom and my dad and my sister and my lil
brother and even my two older brothers. I am directly in
the middle of everything. Because I am the only one who
SEEMS like everything is goin great. Because I kno all
sides of the stories. AND I CANNOT HANDLE IT ANYMORE! I
ANYMORE! I should have never said any of
this ........................................