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2002-10-20 22:07:46 (UTC)

maybe if i play dead, they wont kill me.

what a day at work.

i really think that nancy is harcore going really very
crazy. and its so sad. i wish there was something we could
do. but there isnt. yeah. anyway.

last night was bad.
i think i have decided to just not talk to them anymore.
i mean.
what the hell is the deal man.
the more i let her in my life, and the more that i attempt
to be civil to him, the more they bitch and are rude and
seem to resent my every move.



i guess it will just have to go back to the way it was
last year when emily was here.
except for the fact that i wont have any family at all.
fuck everything though you know.

i dont need anyone.

as much as i hate the way things are.
i really need to work on not letting it phase me.
like i was before.
you know.
its like before i met emilys family...
i didnt think familys like that really existed.
so i didnt have anything to really compare to you know.
and now that i was pretty much spoiled by them for a
pretty long time.
now even little things are getting to me.
much more than they would have before.

i need to take care of myself.
live life for me.
and stop trying to understand and care.
because people dont understand me.
people dont care about me.
ive given so much
that im just this fucking casing of myself.
i am the husk.

i felt so alone last night.
so fucking alone.
until i felt her close to me.
why do i let myself be comforted.
i never used to let anyone do that.
why do i let her.
it scares me.
even if she isnt trying to make me better.
she just does.
just by fucking being there.
and i do not get it..
i think thats why i get so fucking hurt when shes mean to
or when we fight.
shes the one.
the one fucking person in this whole world who has ever
made me feel safe and made me feel like everything was
going to be okay.
and shes probably the one who has said and tried to do all
those things the least.

thats why i hate it so much when she doubts that i love
you know.
thats why it pisses me off and makes me crazy.
because i feel like god, if i love this girl SO fucking
much and she doesnt see it or know it or whatever
then what the fuck else can i do
you know?
i have no held back one fucking ounce of love for her.
and if she still doesnt understand...
then what the fuck am i doing.
what are you doing ashley...

why do i feel so weak all of a sudden.

nothing used to phase me.
i never let anything get to me.

why do i have all of these feelings and emotions now.

i dont fucking like it.
i dont like it one fucking bit.

i want to be the hardass bitch that i was before.

i never fucking hurt.