Katie

From the Inside
2002-10-20 21:43:16 (UTC)

Life gives us roses...gives us thorns.

My roomate's bestfriend gave her the ultimatum today. He
told her either she dates him or their friendship is
over. I felt so bad, why is it that some people think they
can be like that, just running others lives, it's not
fair. I know what she is going through myself...why can't
he just understand she loves him, she's not inlove with him
and there is nothing there, no attraction. One can not
help who they like. I've liked many guys myself, and I
understand if they don't like me and I am not about to
force any of those guys to try and like me more then how
they see me all ready...I've fallen in love and not had
that in return, but I have never pushed them out of my life
because of it...I would rather them in my life then to not
have them at all. And then, I have had love I could not
return, I can't help the fact that I am not attracted to
him, u need more then just friendship to build another
relationship to take it to thenext step, I would hope that
he would never do this to me though, I would hate to lose
him and not have him in my life, but at the same time, I
still would not be able to date him.

"Life takes it's toll..gives us roses, gives us
thorns...
makes a mess out of everything pretty, makes the pretty seem so
ugly...and it hides, in deep shadows of our minds, everything we want
from our lives....and sometimes it's ugly roses and sometimes it's
pretty thorns..."

I'm inbetween guys right now, and it isn't easy, I will
admit that. I have done some pretty stupid things in the
past few days. I blacked out on Friday, I drank so much,
got myself so drunk, thw worse thing I could have possibly
done. I've never gotton drunk to the point where I have
blacked out, I have never thrown up so much that there was
nothing left to throw up. I did things I don't normally
do, lifted my shirt one too many times, kissed one too many
boys and so on... I do feel like a slut...I feel dirty and
gross. I'm disgusted with myself.

Sometimes I feel like I won't find anyone, that there is no
one out there for me. I know these are lies, but it feels
like an endless trail sometimes. I want it to be like it
once was, where I wanted him as much as he wanted me and
that the dating just felt natural. No one asked the other
out, it just felt right, they didn't have ask, they just
knew. And don't tell me this doesn't happen, because it
does, it's happen to me before, and I miss it...or do i
just miss him.




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