sex kitten

life of a porn star
2001-08-06 00:58:23 (UTC)

my confession

ok today i was reading an article about self mutilation
dissorder. i desided to get some junk off my chest once
again. ive been in counseling for seven months and this is
what i have concluded:
my first friend was sara. she was best friend since i
can remember. she was a really spoiled kid and she would
send me home in tears when we would play. eventually we
drifted apart for a few years untill i was in 6th grade.
she was some one i could always trust and in many ways she
was a really good friend. but as we continued to be
friends, she continued to ditch me and treat me like dirt.
but that was because she was older than me and i was at an
akward age in my life-i was a complete nerd. we also had a
lot of fun times too and i dont regret being her friend.
when she went to college two years ago we drifted apart
again. we still see each other once in awhile and i still
love her. also when i was in third grade i got fat and i
had really low self esteem. i went to school with some
really cruel people and it realy sucked. i would get made
fun of by all of the guys i had crushes on and the popular
girls would not talk to me. i seriously could care less
about all of that now. but it made me hate myself. at the
end of eight grade i had cut my wrists once and i thought
it was this huge big deal like i attempted suiside. but i
guess they were just little scratches. when i went to high
school i was really popular all of a sudden and things were
great. in january of freshman year i got mono and i was
sick untill june. it caused me to be depressed. i lost all
of my friends and i felt so alone and worthless. i was
having trouble with my grades and my dad was really hard on
me about that. i would get so angry at the situation that i
would cut my wrists with pins, or any thing else that i
could find sharp in my room. i didnt wan to die or ne thing
but i wanted to punish myself and leave a reminder how bad
i thought i was. one time i was watching a talk show about
kids who cut themselves a lot. i didnt know that there was
a real dissorder where people cut themselves only to
release pain. so it made me understand why i did it a
little better but i still did it more. in tenth grade i had
really sweet friends and i had a realy nice boyfriend. so i
was happy and i did not cut myself too often. my mom only
asked me about it once but i denyed that i did it to myself
and she believed me. there was one time in 10th grade when
my dad really pissed me off when i really dug deep and
wanted to die. in my jr year i was in a really bad
relationship with someone and my friend commited suiside.
it made it feel so real to me and suside consumed most of
my thoughts. i would cry for no reason uncontrollably. i
felt really scared and i cut my self a lot more and started
keeping razor blades in the pages of the books next to my
bed. a couple of times i took my moms anti depressants so i
would feel better. it actually made me worse bc it is an
addictive drug. so i got worse an i was always in a fog. in
febuary i went to the doctor and i told him how i felt. he
gave me a persscrition for celexa and put me in counsiling.
at first it was great bc i got to go tell this lady all of
my problems and she wouold listen, but as the sessions went
on i realized that talking aboutit was getting me no
where.i need somone to tell me exactly what i have wrong
with me so i can understand my feelings. so i stopped
cutting myself in may bc i didnt want to have people see my
scabs when i was at work. it made me realize that i dont
want people to know how i deal with this. then i got my
wisdom teeth out and i have a bottle of tylenol with
coating. i could easily overdose on that if i felt like it
but i have only come as far as counting out the pills and
putting them in drawer. so i have not cut myself in 2.5
months but ive been tempted too. as soon as i have a bad
feeling about someone or something i think automatically to
kill myself but for now i am going to choose not to act out
on these thoughts. i think i will be ok though bc i have
been living like this for a long time. there are a few
people that have been really helpful to me but most people
i dont like to talk about it to. actually since summer
started i have been very happy. but i just need to justify
where i am sometimes. if you actually read all of this
thanks for listening but i really wrote it for me to see
what i would say about myself. peace and love