When you wish upon a star
2002-10-20 21:11:05 (UTC)

and in his shadow, i grew smaller

i dont quite understand...

why he persists in being a bad ass and hes only starting
his twentys.

Why he wants to live outside of his childhood

why he was every stereotype i hated passionatly

why for some reason he is constantly in my mind

why i feel as though hes missing me

why i feel as though deep down there is a part of him that
gives a damn about others

why he never seems to show that side to me

why he persists in mild womanizing

why im so not his type. because im less than a b-cup and
not tanned-from a can.

why he is in love with someone no one else is.

why she smokes and cusses in a foriegn language and sits
eyeing the people around her.

why he loves her

why she loves him

why i love him

why she knows nothing of me

and thank god she doesnt

because she would pass me off as some little girl looking
lovingly at her boyfriend and tell him things like "isnt
that cute" or "how sweet, she likes you" and make me sound
like a naive teenage romanticist.

Why he has changed

or is that grown?

it cant be because when you grow you mature and with him
its sort of the opposite.

Why he used to be so sweet and warm and funny around people

and now he is the equivilent of those jocks in high school
who sneer at you when you walk by and thinks there cool.

Why if life was high school, i would be a freshman, and he
would be a popular senior on the water polo team (because
everybody in long beach has a strange obsession with water
sports) and never talk to me, except to make fun of me.

But why for some reason he wasnt, he justwasnt.

He talked to me.

He knew me

he never went through that social disease

he grew up

i grew up

i miss him

i wish he would grow the fuck up!

i wish he would understand life as well as the next person

i wish he wasnt so naive

i hate naive people

i wish i didnt love him

i wish i had never met him

or do i?

i have this recurring dream where im on a beautiful
mountain and its up really, really high, and theres snow
everywhere and im standing on this ledge that goes way out
to the side of the mountian, and its just above a drop of
thousands of feet, and even though i never look down, i
just know. I stand on the wooden ledge and look out at this
beautiful and very high mountian. Even though i never see
his face, he says to me "jump" and i do.

And i fly.

Thats probably whats holding me back from seeing other
people, like alex. Because love is such a stupid emotion.
When you have it, and its right there, its like speed. Its
addictive. and i have a very addictive personality. when
something is important to me, i carry it around with me.
its like its in my back pocket all the time. just right
there. Liek Katie. Shes gone, but it doesnt feel like shes
gone. Really, really gone. it feels like she just hovers
above me like some vauge dream.

I suppose i will never truely be rid of him. It happened
once in my life. there hasnt been anything qutie like it

Hehe, Taya and her rambelings. Not a poem, not an entrie,
but something deliciously in between!

Goodnight. All.

Goodnight Elwood.