When you wish upon a star
2002-10-20 21:10:18 (UTC)

What to do, what to do?

You know, every birthday for the past three years has been
awful. Three years ago i sat at home and ate cake alone
while watching Television because i invited some close
friends over and no one showed up. The Next year on my
birthday i got my letter or rejection from something i
wanted more than anything in the world. And last year, the
guy ive been talking about(his name isalex, lets get that
out) took it upon himself to spend the evening wrapped in
the arms of Elena at my lets bug the hell out of taya by
giving her a surprise birthday party.

I just got back from alex. Today was an awkward day for
both of us. Ive known him for about a year and a half, and
i decided today would be the day to, subtily, uncork the
bottle of time. First off, i asked him why he refused to
amit he had feeling for Elena, and why he took it upon
himself to do that thing on my birthday. He isnt the type
to admit he likes soemone, in fact he isnt the type to like
someone. hes like me in that regard. i suppose its just
that neither of us want to suffer that humiliation and
naivity of the "he likes her, she likes him, they like each
other" mentality. So, we both distance ourselves from it.
But sometimes i do think that we are both adult enough and
mature enough to pull of an in love relation of such. But
at the same time im getting to me more comfortable in a
friendship and i wouldnt be comfortable in a
boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. Besides, i want to stay
as far away from theteenage mindframe as possible. i didnt
even have a teednage life. From when i was about 14to when
i was 14 and a half i was a teenager. i lived out my whole
teenage life in one summer. I wanted to avoid teenagerism
as much as possible, and i idi, but htat sort of came back
to bite me in the ass because now im constantly finding the
stuff i tried to escape from is seeping in.

Right now i have a friendship. A good friendship. But i
would much rather i found the ability to walk away from him
with satisfaction and the knowledge that a chapeter had
been closed in my mind insted of this constant string
of "to be continued..."

Its not as bad as Fred. I love Fred. I love him to an
extent thats dangerous to myself. And love is more painful
that mere irritation and confusion.

I wonder what going to happen on my birthday this year. Its
on March 15th, i have a while to go. But i wonder what
terrible, terrible thing will happen this year.

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