BlueAngel

Thoughts from Blue Angel
2001-08-05 22:24:43 (UTC)

E-Mail to Adam

Well, he apologized. Profusely, in fact. One of those "I
wish there was something I could do or say to make it
better, but I really know that I just straight out fucked
up this time, so all I can say is I'm sorry and hope that
you'll believe me and eventually be able to forgive me,
even if you never talk to me again" apologies.

So I started a reply. It was HUGE. The power went out,
and I lost it all. SO I started all over, trying to make
it as good as the original, (they never are) and this is
the product.

Adam,

I think that's all I was waiting for, because you were
forgiven before you asked. Yes, you fucked up, and so did
I. But I know that you didn't want to fuck up this
friendship anymore than I did. So it's time to remember
who we're talking to here. You're still Adam... the same
Adam I felt I could trust with my life a few short days
ago. And I'm still the same Jennifer. We're still the
same people who cared- and care, I hope- about each other
enough to accept each other's faults and mistakes.

I spent most of the night last night at work- off the
clock, in my street clothes- just so I could talk to Leah
and have something to do other than sit at home and think
about it all night. I don't remember the last time I was
that pissed and hurt and confused... and at the same time,
just numb. If it would have been any other guy, I would
have been able to give myself the "I should have known"
speech, but I never expected this from you, and I had no
reason to. I started naming off to her the reasons why I
never expected it. The more of those reasons I named off,
the more I knew how important it was to forgive you... I
don't understand. How do you go from being upset that we
went so fast last time because you wanted everything to be
perfect to what happened this weekend? If you really
didn't care, then why would you tell me how much you wished
I were going to school closer because you know it'd work
out? That absolutely confuses me like you would not
believe.

Of course, I could just reason out that you got what you
wanted all along and all of those good times and pretty
words were just really good moves in a game you were
playing with me. In fact, that's quite possible. But
something inside of me refuses to believe that. Maybe I'm
naive. Maybe I'm completely in denial. Or maybe I know
you better than this. Anyway, even if your intentions were
bad all along, I think I'd rather not know. It would kill
me to accept the fact that you did this on purpose.

You have no idea how much I care about you, and the bulk of
those feelings have nothing to do with romance. This isn't
about wanting to be with you anymore. We both know very
well that's over, even if circumstances allowed. But I do
want to trust you again. I want to someday be able to talk
to you the way we've always been able to talk, and to be
able to believe you and trust in you. I'm completely
willing to be one of your best friends in the world, in
time of course, if you're willing to do the same.

You're human, and I know that. I know that you're hurting
because of this. I remember the times you've mentioned how
it used to be, and I could tell then that you hated that
side of yourself. I wish I never would have seen it, but
we can't do anything to change that now. So, I can choose
to hate you because of it, or I can choose - we can choose
to prove to ourselves that our friendship can be strong
enough to overcome it. Man, wouldn't that be saying
something?

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm still pissed at you, and you
can count on me being pissed for a while. You really
fucked up this time, and you hurt me A LOT. But just
because I'm pissed at you doesn't mean I don't care about
you, because I love you dearly as one of my best friends.
The part of me that's angry with you is having to try
really really really hard not to rub this in your face and
really let you have it until you're hurting so badly you
can't stand it. But the part of me that truly cares about
you is willing to put aside that anger and to forgive you.
Maybe we've gone too far to rescue our friendship this
time. But I'm not gonna sit here and feel sorry for myself
while I watch one of the most amazing people I've ever met
in my life slip away from me, no matter how big of a
mistake you made and how much you hurt me.

I told you that it was worth the hurt I'd feel if I went
down there and it screwed things up worse. Well, I was
wrong about that. But meeting you was worth the pain. And
patching this up is worth the pain.

I wish someone would invent a double pack of patches for
hearts- one for each of us. But until they do, this isn't
going to be a quick fix, and healing hurts. But you're
worth it, and I mean that with every bit of my heart.
We've gotta stop this, and we've gotta find some way to
make it better before we lose each other forever.

I won't trust you right off. Right now, I'm in an
extremely forgiving and and optimistic mood. I won't
always be like this. But when I start getting bitchy, just
remember that it's because I'm hurt and I don't know how
else to react. I apologize in advance for the way I might
be acting here in the near future, but don't give up on
me. I'm not going to stop caring about you, and you'll
always be in my heart, no matter what. When I tell you I
luv ya, I don't mean I luv ya when you're being the perfect
nice guy. I mean that I luv ya all the time, no matter
what you do- even to me.

I guess that's all I have to say for now, so I'll send this
to ya since you're waiting for it... Luv you....

Jennifer


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