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2002-10-20 05:43:32 (UTC)

The 21st is upon us again..

Well its that wonderful time of year that i hate. Its
almost October 21st and im going crazy. I cant believe that
hes been gone for almost 2 years. It just doesnt seem real.
But I keep telling myself that it is. I was supposed to go
to the cemetary on Monday..the day he died but now
apparently Caroline doesnt have the day off work so thats
not possible. So now I have to go on Sunday which is really
upsetting to me I dont know it just seems wrong to me..I
wasnt able to save him from dying, and now I cant even be
with him on the anniversary of his death. It just seems
like im failing more and more as a person. Ive been trying
to do so much better and I think that on my own I have made
so much progress..but it seems like Im the only one who
notices. Ha and my mother..my own mother is holding
my "privelage" of going to the cemetary tomorrow over my
head, can you believe that. How dare her call it a
privelage! Its like hello he was my best freakin friend or
one of them but that doesnt make any difference I cant
believe that she would tell me I have to do certain things
before I am allowed to do to the cemetary. I dont know why
I am surprised actually she did this to me last year too. I
got so pissed off. She has no right to tell me when I can
and cannot go see him. Who the hell does she think she is.
I dont care what it takes I would get to that cemetary.This
year has been and is continuing to be incredibly hard First
my papa died in December yet another bad thing to happen on
the 21st...Then I had to move like 40 miles away from my
best friends and the cemetary..I had to start a new school,
Now on October 21st I have to deal with Dani being gone for
2 years...then I get a month and I have to deal with
Dec.21st which will be the 1 year anniversary of my papas
death..I dont know how in the world I am going to deal with
all of this. But I suppose if I can Get through all the
death and suicide attempts and mutalation and hell ive
gotten through so far that I can get through this..I am
just not looking forward to dealing with it alone, and
thats what I have to do. My mother no longer acts like a
mother, my father openly admits that he wants nothing to do
with me, all me and my nana do is fight, Mj has his little
GF well I shouldnt say little because she isnt by any
means.And Josh..I cant even get started on him it will just
further depress me. I want to go back home I hate this town
and everything in and around it. Not one good thing has
happend since I moved here..well I did meet those Antioch
peoples..but alot of them kind of lose interest in u
quickly well me at least..I still talk with David and Codi
they are cool peoples..and i met jeanette but we never talk
anymore either too bad she was a cool chika. But other than
that it has been nothing but bad stuff. My school screwed
me out of taking the PSATs 2 years in a row and I didnt
even know until this year that they dont tell us when they
are taken or anything else about them because as they
say "children in home school dont go to college" BULLSHIT!
Im going..or at least I want to. And im going as far away
from this hell hole as possible. Josh is supposed to come
with me. But who knows hes been kind of flaky lately. On a
better note the 2nd season of the Osbournes starts November
1st on channel 4 at 9:30...watch it people! Support my in-
laws...And Kelly Osbournes first LP "Shut Up!" hits stores
on November 26th..BUY IT! I did however get all A's and B's
on my report card..thats very good, and every day like 4
packages come from colleges all over the US..im looking
into alot of them. But im more interested in the University
of Westminster..I really want to go there it is a really
beautiful campus. Oh well who knows Im just really
depressed and sad right now that none of my friends seem to
notice that im kind of slipping again...last time Josh was
the one to save me..he was the one to throw the knife and
hold me all night..he was the one who bandaged up the cuts
and was there for me. Caroline was there for me too of
course. But lately it just seems like the two of them are
too busy for me I mean I know that Caroline got a job now
and stuff and we did hang out last week but I havent seen
Josh in almost 2 months thats insane! And supposedly MJ is
coming out next weekend to see me and hes not bringing
Ashley but im not counting on it..he has a problem with
following through with things. Well im going to go now so
that I can watch the White Sripes they are going to be on
SNL...Jack White is insanely beautiful.Lata

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