roxhana

Once upon a time
2002-10-19 17:17:18 (UTC)

I wanna die (during my birthday's eve)

DEAR DIARY,
WHAT A SAD DAY. THE PERSON THAT I LOVE MOST TURNED ME DOWN.
AND I JUST CAN'T CRY ANYMORE CAUSE IT HURTS MY EYES. I
DON'T FEEL WELL, I KEEP GOING IN AND OUT FROM TOILET AND IT
SUFFERES ME ESPECIALLY BECAUSE OF MY CONDITION. AND THE
PERSON WHOM I LOVE MOST SUDDENLY BECAME THE ONE WHO'S THE
FIRST WHO DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE AND UNDERSTAND ME AS MUCH AS
HE COULD AND HE SHOULD.

HE TOLD ME THAT WHY HE SHOULD LIVE HIS LIFE FOR OTHERS, HE
SAID HE LIVES HIS LIFE FOR HIMSELF. AND HE SAID THAT I
BECAME A BORING PERSON AND NOT HAPPENING ANYMORE LIKE LAST
TIME.

FOR GODS SAKE, I AM IN THIS SITUATION NOW, WHICH LIMITS ME
TO MOVE, ETC. PLEASE UNDERSTAND. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN, BUT HE
STILL WITH HIS OWN THINKING. AND HE NEVER CAME AND TRY TO
PUT THE SITUATION BETTER BY HUGGING OR SAYS SORRY TO ME.
AND HE JUST WALKED OFF (ONLY KISS MY HEAD AND SAY HAPPY
BIRTHDAY) AFTER I ASKED HIM TO LEAVE TO KL STRAIGHTLY SINCE
I FAILED TO PERSUADE HIM TO STAY ONLY FOR ONE NIGHT AND
TOMORROW GO BACK EARLY IN THE MORNING. HE STILL INSIST NOT
TO CARE ABOUT WHAT I REALLY NEED DURING MY BIRTHDAY WISH.
HE PREFERES TO ASK ABIRA TO COME ALONG JUST BECAUSE SHE'S A
GOOD KID AND BEING NICE TO HIM SINCE THE FIRST TIME. BUT HE
SHOULD SENSE IN THE BEGINNING THAT HIS IDEA DOESN'T MAKE ME
HAPPY CAUSE I WANNA SPEND TIME WITH HIM MORE PRIVATELY, AND
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY HE'S SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND AND TO
AGREE WITH MY OPINION.

I APPRECIATE THAT HE CAME TO SURPRISE ME, BUT HE SPOILED
EVERYTHING. I REMEMBER LAST TIME HE CAME TO MY HOUSE AND
SEEMED NOT TO SPEND TIME WITH ME (I MEAN TALKED AND
DISCUSSED NICELY WITH ME) JUST BOTH OF US. AND THE ONLY
PLACE THAT I FEEL FREE TO DO IT IS INSIDE MY ROOM. AND HE
THINKS THAT I WANT HIM TO BE ALL THE TIME IN THE ROOM. HE
SAID HE CAN'T stay only AT ONE PLACE CAUSE HE'S LIKE LIKE
THAT. HE LIKES TO SURROUND WITH MANY PEOPLE TO TALK, ETC. I
DON'T MIND TO BE LIKE THAT AS WELL, BUT LET'S SEE OUR
SITUATION NOW. WE HARDLY SEE EACH OTHER FOR LONG TIME.
EVERYTIME WE SEE EACH OTHER, WE ALWAYS SPEND ONLY 2 DAYS
MOSTLY AND FOR SURE WE HAVE LOTS OF THING TO TALK ANd i
JUST WISH THAT WE CAN SPEND THE LIMITED TIME AS MUCH AS
TOGETHER.

BUT MAY BE HE DOESN'T WANT TO SPEND THE PRECIOUS TIME LIKE
THAT WITH ME, I MEAN TALKING HEART TO HEART CALMLY. I AM
SICK OF BEING AROUND WITH KIDS, CAUSE IF I STAY OUTSIDE THE
ROOM THE KIDS WILL BE THERE AND I DON'T FEEL FREE TO TOUCH
HIM, ETC.

HE WAS TIRED AFTER HE ARRIVED FROM KL AND I LET HIM SLEEP
UNTIL 5PM THEN SINCE THEN I DIDN'T SPEND TIME WITH HIM
NICELY ANYMORE. HE SPENT TIME WITH KIDS AND IN KAK LA'S
HOUSE UNTIL MAGHRIB TIME AND WE WATCHED THE GAME SHOW UNTIL
8PM.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT AND HAVE SOME DINNER BUT I REALIZE
THAT MY HEALTH DOESN'T ALLOW ME TO. so i TOLD HIM THAT I
DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING OUT. AND I TOLD HIM THAT I HEARD WHAT
LALA YUB IS TALKING BEHIND RAMI'S BACK AS IF HE GET A
CERTAIN DISEASE OR SICK OR SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIM. AFTER
I HEARD THAT, I WENT OUT FROM KAK LA'S HOUSE IMMEDIATELY I
JUST COULDN'T EXPLAIN TO SAKHER AT THE SAME TIME CAUSE IT'S
NOT EASY TO EXPRESS TO HIM, EVEN I DIDN'T SURE TO TELL HIM
OR NOT. HE HAD A CHANCE TO SIT WITH ME TALK TO ME WHEN I
WAS SITTING AT THE SWINGING CHAIR OUTSIDE KAK LA'S HOUSE
BUT HE JUST WALKED INSIDE CAUSE MAY BE THE KIDS OR KAK LA
NEEDS HIM TO BE THERE, BUT IT'S ONLY SMALL PROBLEMS, HE CAN
JUST FORGET ABOUT THEM FOR A WHILE. SO THATS THE THING MADE
ME BEING IN A BAD MOOD AND FEEL DOWN.

I ASKED HIM AGAIN FOR THE LAST TIME TO STAY WITH ME
TONIGHT, SO THAT I WISH TO HUG HIM BEFORE SLEEP BECOMES
TRUE, BUT HE SAID NO HE NEEDS TO GO BACK TONIGHT CAUSE HE
WILL NOT BE SLEEPY AND TOMORROW HE WILL BE SLEEPY, ETC. AND
HE SAID HE HAS MANY THINGS TO DO, ETC. WELL, EVERYBODY HAS
A REASON. WHY CAN'T HE SACRIFICE LESS THAN 24 HOURS FOR
ME?. IT'S MY BIRTHDAY RIGHT?. WHY HE MADE ME CRY DURING MY
BIRTHDAY?.

I DON'T HAVE ANYBODY ELSE IN THIS WORLD THAT MEAN TO ME AS
MUCH AS HIM. AND IT'S TOTALLY EMPTY AND DESPAIR TO KNOW
THAT ALL YOUR SACRIFICES AND PATIENT AND TRUSTS BEING
TURNED DOWN COMPLETELY. I FEEL SO UPSET RIGHT NOW AND MY
HEART IS BEATING BADLY NOW, MY GOD I FEEL SO SAD RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE YA ALLAH, SHOW ME THE RIGHT WAY. TELL ME WHEHTER I
SHOULD STAY LIKE THIS OR WALK OUT FROM HIS LIFE IF IT'S
BETTER FOR ME. EVEN NOW HE ALREADY SAID SOMETHING PUTTING
ME DOWN, WHAT IF ONE DAY IF HE HAS HIS OWN MONEY AND POWER
TO DO WHATEVER THINGS HE WANT MORE FREELY, ETC. I THINK I
WILL JUST GET PUNISHED AND IGNORED EASILY THEN.

THE TRUTH WILL BE THERE FOR ME TO SEE SOON OR LATER. IF
HE'S A GOOD MAN, I WILL SEE THAT AND IF HE'S NOT I WILL SEE
THAT ALSO. LET ALLAH MAKE ME WISE ENOUGH TO DECIDE WHETHER
TO GO ON WITH HIM OR NOT SOON. IF TODAY AND NOW HE CAN JUST
TURNED ME DOWN AND STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AND TOLD ME
THAT I AM BORING AND DIFFERENT THAN BEING HAPPENING IN THE
LAST TIME, WHAT ABOUT IN THE FUTURE....I WANT SOMEBODY WHO
COULD LOVE ME AND SHOW ME THAT HE LOVES AND UNDERSTAND ALL
MY WEAKNESSES AND MY SPECIALITIES. I AM SURPRISED THAT
FINALLY I KNOW THAT HE STILL COULDN'T SEE MY SPECIALTIES
and can't PERFORM HIS SMALL RESPONSIBILITY TO ME.

I WANT A HUSBAND WHOM ABLE TO UNDERSTAND AND BE IN MY SIDE
WITH NO MATTER THINGS HAPPEN TO ME AND MAKE ME HAPPY, LOVE
ME DEARLY AND SHOW ME THAT HE LOVES AND CARE ABOUT ME.

IT'S GOOD THAT I AM GOING TO BANGKOK SOON, AND I WILL LIVE
ALONE THERE, I FEEL LIKE HAVING A HUSBAND IS THE SAME LIKE
HAVING NONE. WHATEVER HAPPENS, LIFE GOES ON AND I WILL
ALWAYS PUT TRUST AND FAITH TO ALLAH THAT IF TODAY IS STILL
NOT A BRIGHT DAY FOR ME, TOMORROW OR LATER IT WILL BE FOR
ME.

MAY BE IT'S A PUNISHMENT FOR ME TO BEAR AFTER HURTING MY
PARENTS BADLY. MAY BE IT'S BETTER FOR ME TO REALIZE NOW
THAN LATER.

I WILL MAKE MONEY AND SPEND TIME WITH MY MOST TRUSTABLE
PERSON GOING TO BE IN MY LIFE FOREVER. I WILL DEVOTE MY
TIME AND LOVE TO MY ONLY SON SOON AND I WILL LET HIM LIVE
WITH FULL OF LOVE AND TEACHES HIM TO BE A GOOD MAN AND A
GOOD MUSLIM.

YA ALLAH, PLEASE SHOW ME THE CORRECT WAY AND PLEASE LET ME
BE IN THE RIGHT WAY..AND HELP ME FROM ANY TORTURES,ETC.




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