Faye falls alone

cries.red.tears
2002-10-19 15:27:01 (UTC)

insanity....not for the faint hearted

im just so sick...of life...sorry, please don't commit me
after reading this....its whats swirling through my head
right now

I feel like a junkie through withdrawl. No wait... i am a
junkie through withdrawl. I need somthing,some pain, some
starvation, some purging, some life which i will never get.
Everyday i feel like crap: physically and emotionally.
Every day is just the SAME thing. I feel trapped with no
escape. I have no life, sure...i have a fake one.
empty...my mind sucks. I suck. I have sharpened fingernails
gnawing at the lining of my skull like endorphins locked in
a cage, obviously trapped with no way out. Its like my
misery circulates through mind as well as my insmonia
awakes me. While all other people are bedriddened and
dreaming soundly, i on the other hand have a spirit that
roams the walls of my body. Just dying to break free. Is
life worth living? DIE AMERICANS, LIVE AMERICANS. Kill for
your rights, love the senate, vote democratic, play the
drums and pound it out, make it rain, make her bleed that's
what makes you happy right? Feelings inside in a bottle
stew breaking the telephone line- watch death rise around
you watch your life fall behind you. I hate mom, i hate
dad, i hate my sister let her out of the hospital! Fuck you
all, fuck you who make my life hell, fuck you who hurt me,
fuck your life, suicide is the answer-ya know. God i feel
so fucking alone. I am: loud, antisocial, mad, miserable,
depressed, confused, hated, manic, short, pissed,
frustrated, and slipping into to a hole. I FEEL LIKE
CUTTING!!!! BLEEDING! Listening to drums of crys, screaming
and hate.When i grow up, i want to be a loner, apathetic,
don't hurt me, physcologist, solve your problems not mine,
LOVE YOU, HATE ME (i am but) starving, cutting, killing
myself slowly....(more pain more gain,) food (all is swell,
less is more) united we stand, do not respect others
sensitivities. Kill yourself kill yourself, Maybe i should
quit life and play the drums, play gutair, do SOMTHING
usefull! Commit suicide- live fast, die young! I am taking
out my head phones. I am discovering my lunch tastes gross!
Food taste gross.I am gross.... Run me through an open
field of bloody tears. See evil, hear evil, speak evil, i
am evil! I wanna kill homophobics, racists, my life, god-
because of what he does to me! Religion and work, the way
life is set out for us. Punk rock is freedom.. right? Kurt
Cobain... ? I am bad, I am bad, I am bad, I am bad, I am
bad, I am bad, I am bad, I am bad, I am bad, I am bad, me,
me, me, me, me, me, me, me! Wake up EEEMMMAAAA. Walk
yourself down the hole, no fall and slam your head. Im
always the miserable child that attempts to help herself
but it never happens. I dont care and ill just scream until
i am pecacefully asleep at 4:00 in the morning! Of course
then wake up a miserable child and gold. I want some pain.
Actually happiness but whatever. Im the best at making
people miserable..... ive got NO talents so who gives a
fuck. Where is my razor??? hahaha on my lap. I have mood
swings so yeah! Sometimes like twice or three times a day!
I get like this but i'm happy once or twice! I mean i'd be
happy all day if i could just escape this fucking life! I
am tough as nails with no self esteem, i mean it apears to
others that i have more self-esteem than the whole world
combined! And their right, but only towards them, towards
myself- it gets lower and lower and lower and i hate myself
hate myself hate myself, love everyone else but am i
courageous? I am emotionally bettered, physically dead,
okay i'm emotionally worse, im slipping! If i lived in
heaven i would be fine. I feel like crap so you know the
deal tylenol, starvation, freezing cold bath, then i go
from this phase to manic phase, i was outside and i
realized I am kind of emo. But i am something else too!
(talking to my fat self)! As the nightmare of my life
continues! I've found fields to run through thrice as good
as yours! Change myself, alter my image, change my mind,
confusion eats me alive! Ill basically die like everything
else on earth. Im unloved, Im bored, im dead and hey its
friday and i am only 15 years, 314 days, 21 hours and 27
min, and 50 seconds old. Yeah yeah yeah yeaaaaaaaaah. I
wish i was older about to die, in my death bed, about to
cry. Im the color of a death flashback! I maybe should live
this moment and die after its over. Actually its o-v-e-r.
Dead! Im a crazy starving addict with a hankering for
death. But other than that im a ugly atheist from NY.
Wishing i could be ANYWHERE BUT HERE at the moment. Why the
fuck could everything be wrong? HA! IT IS SO EAT ME. Why
should i get up in the morning? To live a life of misery.
Maybr thats why i dont. Sometimes i deserve to live it to
feel more pain. Thank the fucking kurt! I laught at myself,
i laugh at myself dying to. Im pretty damn ugly- i look at
my reflection like im a dead devil staring into the mirror.




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