2002-10-19 00:21:23 (UTC)

Keeping up is hard work...

Lately my so called father has been pissing the shit out of
me with his drinking gambling, thinking of suicide, and
many many other things. He has lately made me cry real bad.
At one moment I told my mom I can't stand being in the
house or anywhere around him. He make's my life miserable,
and he drags all joy down with his self-forced sorrow.

I was gonna write as though directly to the sniper saying
that he should aim at my dad. But he's a little more sober
atleast now. He got fired though, and his car was suppose
to be reposesed yesterday night. Finally after 3 months.

Kathy said this really funny thing to me the other day. She
said that she is depressed because her uncle got
tuberculosis. She was really "depressed" and maybe still
is, because he is the youngest from her mom's family. Only
33. So once she said that I started laughing out loud and
told her just a piece of what I've been going through:

*Dad's drunk, drink's his life away
*He's a gambler, gambled all his checks away
*want's to commit suicide. Or atleast sais he does because
he wants pitty out of us, and we don't give it to him,
we just hope he dies. He's actually been kinda trying
to do that since he's a diabetic (for about a year
now) and stopped giving himself shots. (blames it on
us because he "can't" do it himself) and started
drinking. That boosted up his sugar a great deal since
the avg, or the high, one of those, was suppose to be
124, and last time he checked, he was at 600.
*I have 2 jobs now
*have to think of getting into columbia and how I can get
in. I don't know shit when it comes to transcripts/
letters of recomendation/ essays/ scholorships/ dorms/
financial aid/ and everything that has to do with
*I'm also gonna add more stress by volunteering to tutor
French after school on mondays. I will get alot of
stuff for it if I do and the best will be that I might
just learn it myself with the determination (If I have
*I had the SAT's just 2 weeks ago
*Gonna have ACT's on the 26th
*I lost all my closest friends and closest of kin twice.
*I have a library book that I've been meaning to read for a
long time, and it's very interesting but I just
haven't gotten around to it. Had I read about 60pg's
when I first got it from the library I would have
ended on time. (That was imppossible though since I
have so much to do and so much stress around me.) It's
overdue 2 weeks already and still having 300 pg's to
*I still need to do that memory spell, but first need to
learn about it all.
*My dad's car will soon be reposed
*All my checks, that are suppose to be going on my future,
just as I always intend them to be, end up going
paying for the rent or some necessity, because that
bum can't lift a finger.

Then as usual, all my dreams rise, my hopes go up, and
crash down worse then she could ever imagine. Over and over
again it has happened. That is why lately tears come into
my eyes quite easily. Like now, just the thought of it. I
cry at times because I remember the dead past when things
were actually better. When all my friends were here
together. When none of us ever had sex. That was really
great. Now I cry thinking of how they've been corrupted.
Most of what they do is change for the better, but I
believe their minds are being a little corrupt by male
influences and materialism. I look around me, and see no
real friends besides two. Teresa and Karoline, and with
Teresa, I still don't know how I'll adjust.
I cry of the many great friendships lost, simply be
neglect. I've been neglected by two groups of about 5 great
buddies. They are practically all gone. The only person
that has come anew to have the privilige to be
called "friend" was Karoline. It's pathetic how people
don't really give a fuck about anyone.
I think of the time when I used to want to be the best
artist I can be. When art was all I knew. I was so
amitious. I dropped it because I don't have the patience
for it, my inspiration died, and I forget why else.
Now whenever I go by the paint brushes, I look away so that
I don't cry.
My dad's a bum. He can't do anything for himself, he never
takes fault no matter what. He makes me feel like shit. I
want to love him. I want to have a dad that's there and
tries. Because to be a dad you just gotta try hard enough.
He just gave up, and is drowning us with him. Many times
I've thought, it would be so easy just to push him down the
stairs or something like that. Or move away, and have hims
stay. I want a dad so bad. He's just never really there.
When I can't remember something I studied for hours I CRY.

I got depressed little by little when my friends were off
on their ways and I was stuck outside my circle. When they
all left me, depression hit. I denied it's existence once I
started getting a bit occupied with school. It was still
there then. It wanned, or I just didn't care about it
anymore. It's still with me now. The loneliness kills me.
And at times I even try to pretend that there is a way out
of it. Either prince charming makes me believe again, or I
go to college and discover life for myself. But yet again
I'm stuck outide of the circle of my life, cause my perfect
plan will not work if my dad's actions persist.

On that note, you don't know what real sorrow is, until
you've heard the silent story of those that never really
speak about such things.