Random Thoughts, Fun Times, and General
August 2, 2001 -- If you thought the restaurant industry was bad...
First, to my 4 fans, I sincerely apologize. I was off
partying last night, drinking bad beer (Coors Light
*Shudder*) and meeting doofy people.
So, as I was sitting at work today (my retail job), it hit
me how FUCKED UP working retail is. In fact, my gripes
with that job far outnumber those of my restaurant job.
For those of you who love a good bitchfest, settle back
with the popcorn and soda and have a laugh or five, as I
enumerate the Top 5 Things that Irritate the Living SHIT
Outta Me While Workin Retail.
1. The Last Minute Shopper: Ohhhh everyone who works
retail knows what the fuck I'm talkin about. That person
who rushes into your store at 5 minutes until closing.
When you remind them "Hey fucktard, we close in 5 minutes,
AS DOES THE REST OF THE MALL, you moron!" they always have
some stupid shit to say like "Oh I'll be quick." Sales
associates of the world, this is your cue to sit down and
take a nap 'cause that motherfucker won't be out of there
for at LEAST 20 minutes. You thought you were gonna be
getting out on time and going to party?! Not bloody
likely! Even when the music comes to a screeching halt and
you're standing there staring at them with one hand on your
hips holding the vacuum will they get the hint.
2. Sloppy fuckin pig shopper: You know who I'm talking
about. The one who goes into the fitting room with
65410916546510 pieces of clothing and leaves them all in
crumbled balls on the floor, intertwined with the hangers.
I'd hate to see the floor of their rooms at home *saying
this as I look on my floor and see 4 empty glasses, papers,
clothes and shoes strewn about*
3. The "Bargain" Shopper: There's always that one person
(usually Persian or Mexican) who comes in and asks if
EVERYTHING is on sale. I mean, look around. The shit
that's on sale or on clearance has a sign that says,
surprisingly enough "sale" or "clearance." Why then do
they ask me if something brand new is on sale? Then they
ask "Do you know when it'll be on sale?!" No, I fuckin
don't. What do I look like, the Price Police?! If you
can't afford our shit, I'd be happy to give you directions
4. The Untrusting Shopper: Without fuckin fail, there
will be at LEAST one person who will have to look at the
screen to see if I'm ringing their clothes up right. After
each item. It's very annoying, please never do it. I've
been with my store for 9 months now (holy fuck, 9
months...by FAR my longest job), so please believe, I know
wtf I'm doing. Yes, I know that shirt is an additional 20%
off...yes, these pants will ring up at sale price. No, I
didn't forget to apply your discounts at the end. Jesus H
Christ on a popsicle stick, refuckinlax!
5. The Thieving Shopper: This person is by far my
favorite. They try to distract you with stupidity and
cheap antics while they lift some merchandise (either them
or one of their friends or family they're with). Ok
dipshits, we know what you're doing and we know your game.
But fact of the matter is that we aren't allowed to
confront you (company policy...for most places, actually),
so that's the only reason why we're not bustin your ass
down to the local jail. I couldn't give a ferret's furry
fat ass if you steal anything...it's not MY shit! But
don't try to play me like I'm a fool. I don't play like
that. Contrary to your belief, you are not an Oscar
winning actress. Not even a Daytime Emmy winning actress.
You're like a B-movie actress on a USA "Up All Night"
movie -- your motives and intentions, as well as the end of
the story and most of your clothing are transparent as all
Eek, so there's one more thing that bugs me both at the
restaurant AND retail, so I'll mention it now. What's up
with people thinking they can just walk around the counter
and into your work area? At the restaurant, people just
walk behind the counter to get their validation stamps.
Excuse moi?! Or a chick today at the mall just walked
behind our counter next to the registers so she could throw
something away. Uhhhh, where do you think you're going?!
If I had the time or the psychosis, I'd have followed her
home, walked into her house after her, and thrown something
in her trash. Then I'd tell her "Don't dare look
mortified -- this is EXACTLY the shit you did today at the
Quote of the Day: "Vicky...Jessica, great to see you, glad
you could make it *haha...bitches*...Sherman (HEY!), what
the FUCK are you doing here?!" ~ Stifler (aka Seann William
Scott), "American Pie"