mental illness, yes it is real..

Where Do I Turn To Now ??

Well, here i sit at work , a place that at 1 time i truly
enjoyed. Now, I am sick of this place. and to top it off,
Lisa and I are not speaking. Yesterday, she floors me with
the question " i need you to tell me, do we get married on
11/29 as planned, or should we put it off until end of
year?" Well, what am i to think ? we had discussed gettin
married in late spring at one time, them we decided on
sept., but never set a date, now we set a date, and she
wants to change it. The reason she wants it changed is
cause she is applying for ssi for her depression, and if we
get married in november, she will most likely lose her
december benefits. I told her I am worried that she will be
turned down anyway , and we will have to figure a way to
get buy on only my salary anyway. So, why change date,
either way we are screwed. I really want this to work, but
we are continuing to fall further and further behind, and I
am very paranoid about financial problems. I have no idea
what to do now, I love lisa with ever breath that i take, i
need her so much, but i can only be so strong, and between
a job that i now hate for all practical purposes, trying to
keep my kids happy, trying to keep her kids happy, trying
to keep lisa happy, will someone tell me when do i get to
be happy ????????
today on my way to work i spent the entire drive lookin to
see how many trees i could find that i could drive into and
make it look like an accident. I found several, but i am a
spineless asshole who could never do that.
last night, i slept on the couch, that didnt work so i
ended up on the floor in nicoles room, but be fore i went
to sleep i did end up taking a small od in order to try to
sleep. i had a killer headache, and i took 4 of my
prescription headache pills,2 migrane excedrene, and 8
benedril, once i finally fell asleep i was out like a light.
I need to get stable, but how ????
I want to marry lisa and I want us to be happy, but now i
am getting feeling that she really isnt into this and that
i am forcing her to marry me cause of our (my) financial
situation.she tell me otherwise, but like i said, i just
dont feel her heart is into this anymore.
WE need a financial planners help, and we need it fast. the
titanic has struck an iceberg, and is going to sink. there
arent enough lifeboats for all of us, and lisa & i deserve
to be saved, if not for our sake, then for our childrens....
Please Dear God, hear me & help me........