Why 1 Bollus?

the thoughts and recollections of me
2002-10-18 20:48:31 (UTC)

pain? pain? surely not.

I hate to see other people happy, I think, why can't I be
happy like that. What did I do to deserve being me? I
keep thinking I see Shelly, I see it all the time now,
someone with her colour hair... no thats not her. Someone
that has her face structure, No, not her either. Well
maybe that girl that i just saw with from the glimpse of my
eye, no that was an old women with grey hair, how could I
be so wrong. Thats not the worst part, When I am in the
canteen, I might sit in a seat, and I will remember sitting
there, and talking to her, or I might just be going to the
locker room, and I will remember talking to her and then my
boss came by, and told me to stop chatting up her up.
These thoughts come and go throughout the day, and every
time I get those thoughts, it pains me a little. Because
none of it, amounted to anything. I remember going into
work, and smiling, because i knew that I would get to talk
to her. I used to look forward to work, because of her,
because of the chance of talking to her. I remember asking
her if she would miss me if I left. And she asked me if I
was leaving. I wasn't I just wanted to hear her say she
would. I knew she wouldn't say 'Hell Scott, i wouldnt miss
you at all' Or I remember her even inviting me to her 18th
birthday, when she told me she wasn't doing anything for
her 17th birthday. Or when I told her I didnt have a
mobile phone, and she said she would buy me one. I
remember when I would walk past, and she would make a
strange face, like she was pissed off or tired. I remember
that time, when just looking at her, made me smile, like i
had never smiled before. Or when I stuck my tongue out at
her, and she said 'charming' and then laughed.

Then as I go through my day, I might get other thoughts, I
might see two people holding hands, and I will think about
how I never get to hold her hand. Or I will find myself
doing things, really stupid things. I might be at home,
and I will do something that would make me smile at
myself... and then I am sad, because I wish she was here to
smile with me. I remember asking her if I left if she
would miss me. Well she has left, and damn damn, I miss
her. I miss her to the extent of my heart exploding, I
miss her more, then I ever thought was possible.




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