Ad 2:
2002-10-18 15:49:10 (UTC)

i know it seems funny, but maybe we just said goodbye...and i feel strange enough to cry...

"6:25 pm - for some girl who knows when...
there was this girl a long time ago
but not so long ago that i don't remember
and she used to say the most amazing things
i thought that what she spoke of was the truth
and it was beautiful
but people wear their words to mask
ugliness and weakness
words are the only thing that can save
a person sometimes i believe
and eventually it became clear that those words
were not so beautiful
and she was not so amazing
but she was just like me
just like me but a little more blunt
and maybe blunt isn't bad per se
but we were the same yet not
and i think it drove me away
and now i don't really feel all the
things i felt then
there is no bottled rage
or emptiness that spills onto
everything i touch
there is nothing of the sort
just clear serenity
and i can honestly say
i don't know what i ever gave up "

yeah. i do miss her.
and i still read her journal everyday.
i guess this is what she had to do for herself. you know.
shes happy. and im happy for her.
which is something i dont think she ever really felt for
and i dont mean that to be harsh.
just true, and blunt i suppose.
i wasnt masking anything.
i never lied to her and i was never anything but
so i dont understand that.
you know.
i guess thats it.
i dont hold anything against her you know its just
i dont understand how someones image of you can change so
its like she loved and hated all the same things about me
you know
and now its just hate thats left.
but whatever.

ill just continue to fill my life with school work and
bullshit until something tangible comes back to me.
because friends...yeah.
i dont know so much about them.

time for me to get to work.
i would rather think about inane subjects
then focus on all this crap in my life
because thinking about it all is getting me no where
and no one is around to help
and i just dont fucking give a shit about anything right
so fuck everything
and fuck me
and just fuck this society and the way people are
because im not like that
and im tired of fucking crying
so im just not anymore.
look at me everyone fucking look
this is me
and being completly VACANT

because thats what everyone fucking wants

the the empty


i will go shopping today
and i will buy more SHIT for myself
because having shit is supposed to be fun
and i will do homework
and you know fuck i might even go to a club tonight
why the hell not

i can be a fucking teenager too.
watch me go.