Crazdreams

I'm only human
2002-10-18 09:55:43 (UTC)

thinking lots bout the mama shmo... at a very weird time...

I should be in bed since I'm still running a fever and I've
been really lacking on sleep.... but....

I feel like I’m being pushed down in water. I feel
unusually dizzy and needy. Not the ‘need’ I usually feel
where I can just relieve myself…it needs her. This… this
is something I’ve never felt in my life. These past few
weeks I’ve amazed myself. Out of all the shit I’ve said in
the past, the fact is I’ve never shown anyone in my entire
life my greed for the need of satisfaction. That means…
I’ve never touched anyone in a restricted place… I’ve
never even caressed anyone, never held on to someone, never
held someone’s hand for over a minute or two, and I’ve
never let anyone touch me (excluding the two times I was
intoxicated...that was well…I don’t even want to go there)
I am VERY protective about my body. I hate when people
touch me and they think it’s all cool. It’s not fucker…
touch me and you die. I get unbelievably uncomfortable
when people touch me… it even sickens me, but her touch
it’s just like “touch me more!”. I love her touch, and I
love when she surprises me. For instance: ‘Itsy bitsy
spider’. Oh boy… just sitting there in the dark letting
her fingers crawl up my stomach and then down into my
skintight black panties. I felt at that moment stunned,
and helpless. I felt a lil mortified that maybe my body
type wouldn’t please her, but I was curious to know what
she was thinking at the time… I still don’t know, and I
wish I knew. Actually, I felt embarrassed, because she
wouldn’t let me touch her exactly the way she had touched
me. It didn’t upset me, because just being with her like
that was just extraordinaire. She wouldn’t let me twice.
The first time I could understand… the second… I don’t
know, but that’s not a current issue to really worry
over.

Sometimes… like now, I wonder if what I am doing is bad. I
wonder, well what if she concludes that this is all I want
from her? What if she starts thinking all I want from her
is sex? Which is so not fucking true. I hope she never
thinks of that, I trust she won’t. I really do believe
that what I’m expressing… is my love and my desire to have
her. I’m serious as well, it surprises me that Cat all
along… has been this ‘key’ to unlock the door to a room
filled with emotions I’d never let out. Before… I had
always thought there was no such thing as true love… I
thought it all was a joke. If you read my first couple of
entries in DJ… I even stated somewhere that it was all some
pile of crap… well that’s just because things weren’t going
my way at that time (jealousy frustrated) and also I never
actually felt loved in my life, but it all doesn’t matter
anymore. I finally have what I want, and I have what I
need, I couldn’t ask for anything more. Catherine is what
I want and need. I’m fulfilled. …I’ll admit I have both
lust and love feelings for her.

1) Lust: Intense or unrestrained sexual craving.

2) Love: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and
solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from
kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of
underlying oneness.

Well… all right I don’t lust for her ALL the time, but I do
love her every second of my life. She makes me do that
cheesy sigh thing when I think about her. I’m fascinated
with the fact how Cat has made me feel….(I will go on and
on about this, cause I’m just so intrigued about this.)
….I don’t know the word, but when I’m only with her I feel
I can easily express my feelings for her, I don’t feel
nervous, doubtful, or cautious… I just do it, because I can
trust everything I give to her, if it be my own body, my
emotions, or my love. She can have it all. No one else
deserves it but her, I couldn’t imagine letting anyone else
have it all. One thing because I’m such a cynic, and also
too many other things… to put it short… I’ve never loved
anyone, until I met her. I’ve dated so many people in my
life… and all of them… every single fricken one of them, I
could never open up. I just couldn’t do it… maybe
something was telling me to wait for something down the
road. Who knows, but I’m just glad I waited until now to
tell someone I loved them. Wouldn’t be the same, my heart
would be too scarred if I told everyone I dated that I
loved them… wouldn’t be the same at all.

She will be my first, and she will be my last.

I like remembering things about her. The good and the bad
things. I remember a looong ass time ago she use to keep
correcting me online that the words ‘were’ and ‘where’ have
totally two different meanings. Which totally embarrassed
the crap out of me, but how long have I’ve been doing that
before she corrected me? God… she corrects me, and even
though I felt stupid at the time, I love it. Today I
always make sure I’m using the right one. Hehe. …I also
remember the period we kept staying after school. I stayed
after to work on my cut out and she was after for her stamp
project and her cut out. We sometimes didn’t have much to
talk about… she’d hum or sing quietly to herself. I’d
watch her… did a lot of glancing. I remember when the jet
broke the sound barrier and we were like “what the hell?” …
I stayed after cause she was there. I stopped staying
after when she started getting sick… not coming to school a
lot. I’d ask many questions, and she was usually a major
topic to discuss about in school. I was actually in rage
of the fact that she wasn’t coming to school. In groups
I’d tell everyone that it was unacceptable and that she’s
only making it worse for herself. I said some harsh things
actually… and I regret it all, because truth was… I missed
her, and I was only mad because I couldn’t see her on a
daily basis. (whoa, that brought a tear to my eye)
Before… anything outside of school with her was a bit
uncomfortable. I don’t know why, but I wanted her back in
school, just to see her in the halls, and at lunch. Such
silly nonsense to get mad at her just so I couldn’t see
her… that’s actually pretty selfish of me. She was sick,
and she hated this school. I never tapped into her
feelings, and I apologize for that booboo. Sometimes I
remember when I was in Texas one summer… talking to her
over the Internet, I’d get so frustrated that she wouldn’t
IM ever. “WHY!?” Haha… I was weird. I’d sit there for
eternity wondering and waiting. I thought, “ why can’t I
get her attention?… Am I not that interesting to talk to?…
What the hell is wrong with her? … Does she know I’m on?
What the hell!?” heh; I’d get frustrated over the weirdest
things with her. It’s like… why can’t I just IM her? You
know how stupid that is to get flustered over? …I dunno,
I’m a dork. Ignoring me is the best way to get my
attention and to get me infuriated. I remember the
Virginia incident… she bitched at me for telling Megan
about what she had intended to do. I only did it though,
because I knew Megan at the time had a better relationship
with her… maybe she could talk with her or something.
Instead she talked to Cat’s mom, and god that went down the
fucking toilet. What goes around comes around though…
haha… the exact same thing happened to me. Cept it was
Roxanne who told my parents… heh, that’s funny in a sick
and sad way. Oh! And I also remember that after she
bitched about it to me… I got so scared, because I e-mailed
Cat’s conversation to Roxanne. I immediately did some
major hacking to get into Roxanne’s email account to delete
it. It took me about 5 hours, just to do that. Roxanne
didn’t read it, and I felt relieved a little bit. So
really… I only told Megan. (Uh… why is that perhaps song
playing in my head?) …anywho… I remember that very clearly
now. It’s amusing to look back on that. I would wonder
many things… like, why is she so sick? She says she’s
getting better, so that makes me happy. Hrm… I remember
the art field trip… she said I slept on her… I don’t
remember that, but I DID have the thought of it. You know…
where you have those silly thoughts of “I’d love to put my
head against her shoulder. Would she mind?” Every human
instinct of mine wanted to just lean up against her. It
seemed very tempting to do so. Hmmm, during lunch I do
recall making some freakish snowman thing, and we put it up
for display. Sometimes I’d get irritated that I wasn’t in
the same grade as her, or I wasn’t in chorus, or just I
didn’t go to school with her before. Everyone has told me
interesting stories about field trips they’ve had together
with her, and I’d be like “wish I was there”. Hell… I’d
get irritated because I didn’t know half of her life,
she’d never tell me what was really going on with her. I
remember so many things… mall trips, birthday parties,
flirting with her at the same time I was going out with
someone (aye aye), classic times… just so many memories.

None of them will be forgotten.

Never.

These past few recent ones have been constantly playing
over and over in my head as well. My first kiss with her…
I had to ask for it. Hehe, that was funny. My second kiss
with her… that was sloppy .




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