A Cavalier Looks At 27
October 17, 2002 Lindsay
Dressed in overalls and a white tshirt, very typical casual
wear for her, she walks slowly across the room and takes a
seat at her desk. Her shaking hand opens the center
drawer, pulling out a notebook and a pencil. She begins to
write and keeps scratching out words and thoughts. If she
could only think straight. After several tries, she opens
the drawer again, reaches in and pulls out her hitter box.
Flipping her beautiful blonde hair back she turns in her
seat, stands and walks back over to the candle sitting in
the middle of her floor.
She is careful with precision as she reaches into her box,
taking out rolling papers and marijuana. She rolls her
paper up, bringing it to her lips and using the Zippo
lighter he gave her, she strikes a flame and inhales her
fuel. She leans back against the wall, slowly working on
her joint, thinking of him and how he would not approve.
When the joint is too small to smoke anymore, she takes the
paper and pencil in her lap and makes another attempt at
The pad she has in front of her is filled with letters.
Letters to him. Letters asking him to come back to her.
They had only been apart for days but a look at the
collection of notes would lead you to think it was years.
She had been given her chances. She had blown every one of
them. She just needed her drugs. She realized now she
needed him more. She writes again, this time, a much
different note, but still to him. She writes:
I love you. I always have. Even before I knew you, I
loved you. You treated me with respect and no other guy
ever has done that. You were the first guy that wanted me
for me, not for what was in my pants. I know I hurt you.
I know I swore things to you that I did not follow through
with. If only you were here I could say I was sorry. You
are so far away and I know you wouldn't listen if I were
there. I cannot live with myself knowing I did this to
you. They are going to send me to jail. I know they are.
I deserve to go too. I just know you are going to find
someone while I am there and you are going to get married
and have children and a dog and a house and everything that
we were supposed to have. When I get out and search for
you I am going to be crushed when I see how happy you are
without me. So, I'm saving myself the time. I'm getting
out now. I'm not going to jail. I love you too much to
see you happy without me. I know the last thig I said to
you was that I hate you. I hope you read this someday. I
want your last thoughts of me to be better. I love you.
I've never loved anyone before. I thought I did but until
you came along, I didn't have a clue what love was. I know
now. You are love. You would have done anything for me.
Fuck. You did everything for me. You were like my big
brother, my father, my lover, and my best friend all rolled
into one. I love you. I wish I could fix things but I
can't. You won't have to worry about me anymore. You
always said I looked like an angel. I hope that when this
is over, I can be your angel for real. I love you.
Remember that, not what I said.
To be continued tomorrow....