My Messed-Up Life
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2001-08-05 00:51:13 (UTC)

So Confused Right Now

Sorry this is so extremely long and probably not one single person
will read this, but I really had a lot of stuff to get off my mind
and this diary really seemed to help me. What a killer first entry.
Have fun if you dare to read this.
Camp was very helpful, yet confusing this year. It's been four whole
years since i've attended teen camp my church attends. It's been so
long because for the past three yers, i've gone to Jamaica with my
church on mission trips and didn't have the money to go to teen camp
afterwards. The mission trips are a life-changing experience that i
would never give up or change for the world. The first year i went
down there, i was on the kitchen staff at the week-long church camp
the missionaries down there hold. It was weird because i was under
the impression that i was going to go down there and help the people
down there learn more and live better through God. But the exact
opposite happened. The kids down there showed me so much, i wouldn't
even know where to begin. They were a true blessing in my life that
i didn't even know i needed at the time, but they helped so much.
For the next two summers, I continued my experiences down there. But
these times, my experiences were much different. I was made a
counselor at the age of 16. They asked me if I could handle the kids
and the responsiblities, and of course I confidently said that I
could. I wasn't lying. I made it throught that week and so did my
cabin of girls. I had to become so much closer to my girls than I
did the year before when i was on kitchen staff and a junior
counselor. I had to give my girls advice, sometimes very intimate
and scary. I made it, and I will never forget any of the experiences
I've had down there. I'm really upset, thought, because I didn't get
to go down this year. The missionaries came home early on furlow and
one of the pastors down there got married to a counselor. They got
married the week we are usually down there so that when we are down
there, we can celebrate their anniversary with them. I think that is
very touching. I am also very upset because I can't wait to go back
down next year, but I have a college class I have to take and it
doesn't end until two days before we would be coming home from
Jamaica. As soon as school starts, I'm going to talk to my advisor
and see if I can either start that class two weeks earlier or later,
or take it some other time. I think if I explain why I want to do
this, my advisor will understand and do what he can to allow me to
go. Well, enough about Jamaica for now. I just got back from teen
camp on friday. We left the sunday before that to go, my best friend
and me. Jamie is my best friend. At first, I couldn't wait to go so
I could see some of my friends that I hadn't seen in four years. I
emailed these people to let them know that I was going only to find
out that none of them could go this year. This upset me so much. I
already knew a lot of people I had met at camp the first year and
retreats I went to couldn't go because they were too old to attend.
This eliminated almost all the people I knew and the others said they
couldn't come anyway. So when we got there, we discovered that most
of the people there were ranging in age from 13-15. I was the oldest
camper there. I thought this week of camp was going to be so boring
it wouldn't even be funny. I was so totally wrong. I had so much
fun, only to realize that when friday came, I cryed because I didn't
want to leave and also because I got so confused during camp from all
the preaching and bible lessons to all the new people I met. The
people I went to Jamaica with and the people I used to go to camp and
the retreats with came each night for the evening service, so at
least I got to talk to them. We talked about going to Jamaica next
year. But the main points that Hal and Theron preached on were
music, dances, pre-marital sex, and marrying a Christian. I pretty
much didn't take any of the subjects to heart because I've grown up
hearing and knowing about them. Plus, I was raised on music(oldies
and country) and was raised on the fact that there was nothing wrong
with that music. I don't agree with everything I hear from
preachers. But the only subject that got to me was the one about
marrying a Christian, preferably one stronger than me. It made me
think so much about my relationship with Jarod. He's very far from
saved. He used to go to Grace Church, but when he was little, his
parents just stopped going, and of course, it affected him. When we
first started dating, he did drugs. He would pop pills and smoke
pot. It really bothered me a lot, but I'm not the type of person to
say something to someone about what they do. I told one of my
friends in confidence about how I didn't like him doing that stuff.
He also drank, but not very often. What really bothered me was on New
Year's Eve, we went to a friend's house and he went outside and got
high and then came back and sat down beside me and acted as though he
were fine. After my friend told him, he stopped doing drugs for me.
That made me feel really good, but I don't want him getting saved
because of me. If he gets saved, I want it to be because he loves
and believes in God. I really don't know what to do. Some of my guy
friends that I went to Jamaica and camp with are coming down next
week and staying at my granny's house. My boyfriend doesn't know any
of this yet because i'm afraid to tell him. I really love him and
he's the first guy I can say I've ever loved, but I just keep
thinking that maybe I really don't know what love feels like yet and
that I just think that I truly love him. The more I think about
stuff, the more upset and confused I get. I want to spend the rest
of my life with Jarod, but something inside me keeps telling me that
I could never marry and spend the rest of my life with him because he
isn't a Christian. I've been praying to God since I've come home
from camp( wow, a whole two days) that he will guide and direct me in
that part of my life, because I don't want to break up with him, but
I don't want to marry him if it is a mistake. I know God is the only
one who knows this answer and is the only one that can and will give
me the right answer, but I'm not the greatest for listening, or being
patient, for that matter. Friday night, when I was safely at my
granny's house in bed, I prayed for almost an hour and a half. I was
crying so hard because I already missed many of the people I became
friends with at camp, and also because I was talking to God about my
situation with my boyfriend. There was a guy at camp that I would
love to go out with, but he's only 15 and I am 18. Plus, I already
have a boyfriend and this other guy lives out there, almost three
hours away. I could never get into a relationship like that unless
the Lord wanted me to. This other guy really reminds me of myself
though, and my boyfriend doesn't. The other thing that scares me is
the fact that when I got home friday, I called my boyfriend and at
one point in our conversation, he asked me if I missed him. Jokingly
I replyed that I missed him a little bit. Sadly, I can't say that I
did miss him. I don't know if it was because of this other guy, or
if the Lord is trying to tell me something. Come to think of it, the
only time I even thought about Jarod was when I was looking at this
other guy or when the preacher was talking about marrying a Christian
and then, I wasn't thinking that I was missing him, but, what was I
doing? Was I making a huge mistake by being with him? There were
two other guys that were on my mind that week also. Both of which I
have gone to camp and Jamaica with. One, 17, Danny, likes my best
friend, so he is out. The other, 20, Dave, a little older flirted
with me the whole time we were on the mission trip. I didn't notice
down there, but when we got home, he told me that was why he thought
up a nickname for me, as a way of flirtation. But my best friend,
the one that Danny likes, just told me that Dave said about how she
was such a great girl and how he would love to date her. Now
everything is so much more confusing, because he came to all the
evening services and picked on me each night and threw stuff at me
and left my best friend alone. He even tried talking me into
transferring colleges and going to the one he goes to. Why must my
life be so confusing? This isn't even persecution for being a
Christian! Sometimes I dream that we are given all the right answers
from the time we know right from wrong, that way, we have less chance
to make mistakes. Wouldn't that be so nice? I think so. Plus, I've
never actually dated a Christian and I often wonder what it would be
like. I also wonder if it is possible for me to marry a non-
believer, have a family, and raise the children to become Christians
all by myself. I must admitt that I am a very strong-willed person,
but I don't think that I am that strong. Well, those are all of my
thoughts for now, and a lot, might I add. I'm sure that I could
write more if I thought for a few minutes, but I won't. Goodnight and
sweet dreams.

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