now i'm writing at ack lane. this is really screwed up.
i was discharged this morning. i dont' remember much of my
time there - i remember writing on paper towels with my
pen, then talking a guy from poynton, then standing in the
meds queue like an animal. fuck knows what they gave me -
i still feel drugged up now. tranquilisers and shit like
that i suppose. woo fucking hoo.
dad came this morning. we spoke to the shrink, i got my
stuff and went after that. apparently i am too bad for
what the ward can provide - so i get discharged??? ironic
really. send me back to shirley...pass the buck, throw the
responsibility to someone else. as per fucking usual. i'm
too much of a lost cause. i phoned shirley who agreed to
see me tomorrow - it'll cost me £65 but i'd pay twenty
times that amount for the tiny bit of care and security
she will give me.
dad and i had a meeting with lynne and angel - basically
if i want to stay in durham (which i do, really really
really do) then i have to be a full time student. which
means lectures, seminars, tutorials, the whole damn
shaboodle. fucking hell.
you know what though? i worked out why i can't hack
classes. why i feel phsically sick and scared when i'm
there - totally powerless and controlled. it reminds me of
bein abused. it reminds me of having to be at syo, violin
lessons, the lot. not only that, it reminds me of duncan.
and natalie i guess.
being back in this room right now doesn't help the
thoughts. i'm not sure what to do. if i stay at uni i'll
just have to stop thinking and feeling and persevere with
academia. if i defer, i have to fail there too.
i can't do anything.
and they wonder why i have lost the will to live.