this may put things in a weird order...but hey
saturday 5th october
my only comfort
i lie here
four walls surround me
i hide under the covers
my fight against reality
gut instinct tells all
not long now
i see how it will be
a premonition of my future
just two more years
an end to this darkness
to this bleak, cursed life
it's wrong, but oh so right
my only comfort
i want to curl up and die. i'm feeling so low and suicidal
today. i feel inferior to everyone here, they;re all so
clever, rich, thin, pretty, happy, confident. i wish i had
some money, some decent clothes, some happiness, some
brains. i'm a fucking dumbass. i don't know if i can do
why me? why am i the one who has been through all this
stuff? and if it really isn't my fault, then why am i the
one STILL suffering? life's a bastard.
tuesday 8th october
20.40 they're all trying to get me to go out. i really
don't want to go. i want to crawl into bed and die. i hate
myself and this shit life.
23.37 i don't know what i am doing. what the fuck am i
doing here? i'm here because i can't be at home and i
don't want to be in hospital. i don't want any fucking
degree. i don't care enough to have any fun. i don't
deserve it. i don't care about a thing. i can't
concentrate. i can't remember a fucking thing. i can't
even pretend to be happy anymore. i'm so DAMN USELESS.
14th octobr 2004, i can't fucking wait.
F R E E D O M
fuck off the lot of you bastards. leave me to rot away in
this shit you caused. that's just fine. i don't care
because i don't have a heart, a soul anymore. you took any
sort of normality away from me. you made me into a walking
corpse. a souless being. it's too painful for me to feel.
it hurts too much. i bet you can't even imagine how much
it hurts to live with the memories of what you did to me.
how it feels to dread going to sleep, for fear that i will
wake up the same. for fear that i will even wake up. you
have NO idead, you can't come fucking close. not like
you'd even try.
i'm shit scared right now. petrified of being raped. but
you know, actually, i wouldn't care. i'm all theirs - my
body and mind are there for the taking, the ABUSING. i'm
nothing more than a puppet. a tool. a source of
entertainment. just go ahead, i'll keep my big mouth shut
wednesday 9th october
think of nothing. keep going, keep going, keep going.
little by little
they gave you everything
you ever dreamed of
little by little
the wheels of your
life have slowly fallen off...
sunday 13th october
you know what. i can't cope. get it? i cannot cope. you
may see me for the fat smiley girl, and you wouldn't be
mistaken, but underneath these layers is a little girl
screaming out for someone to come and save her, to take
her into their arms and hold onto her so tight. the only
person who could do it, and WOULD do it is on the other
fucking side of the world. kahlie, baby, please wait for
me. i'm sorry. i'm not even sure i can do this. i need to
die. it's the only way. i'm sorry, baby.
i've been on a constant binge this weekend...and i can't
fucking throw up. i'm a failure. i'm the fat girl who
can't do anything right.
i don't want to be here, i don't want to be anywhere.
oh fuck. ok. erm. i just got a text from sarah - the woman
whose kids we once babysat...she died tonight. that puts
my tears into perspective. i was sat here cutting and
crying when i found out. my own mother hurts me but at
least she fucking exists.
i feel so apologetic. i'm so sorry. it shouldn't have
fucking hell. bastard world. i keep telling myself that
one day i will be happy, that this fight just to keep
breathing every day will all be worth it. but i don't even
know why i bother trying to kid myself anymore.
any tiny chance of happiness i may once have had has faded
into oblivion...this black hole has sucked everything into
i once thought that coming to uni would be an achievement -
that i would be healthy and get involved and have a
laugh. how fucking wrong could i have been?
monday 14th october
once upon a time there was a girl. she was hurt a lot -
neglected and tortured and beaten and raped. everyday she
woke up and put on her smile - sometimes she would even
paint the twinkle in her eye so as to avoid suspicion and
the risk of a harsher punishment. one day she coudln't
take it anymore. she couldn't carry the pain. she couldn't
bear to live in a world where razor blades and starvation
were her only comfort, where her success was considered by
how fat she was, and her sanity by how wide she smiled.
everday she got a little closer to the edge until one grey
rainy Monday she apologised for the trouble she had caused
and let the world live happily ever after.
wednesday 16th october
hmmmm....i'm in the rushford wing of durham psychiatric
hospital. fucking weird. my only possessions are this pen,
my purse and a phone that's just about to die. my razor
blades had to go. surprise surprise. i don't know what i'm
doing, how i feel, nothing.
yesterday rachael found me in my room during what should
have been a spanish practica class. she dragged me to see
lynne - i cried for ages. she got some stuff out of me -
namely just how goddamn close to the edge i am, how much i
want to die right now and how i am willing to go to any
length to do so.
she phoned the health centre and i rocked on down there to
see yet another bloody useless doctor. dr flannagan?
something like that. anyway. she asked me questions about
my family. she asked me if my mother was married (give her
2 weeks, i said). she diagnosed me with depression - no
shit sherlock!! i let her feel smug - she had such a look
of self-satisfaction on her face that i let it lie. i let
her believe that my mother just left me, "forgetting" to
mention that she abused me. that she wasn't the only one.
i had to tell her what to prescibe me! what a moron...i
mean, she's asking someone so close to the fire of suicide
they're burning, what concoction of drugs they'd like.
jeepers! she didn't want to listen to what i was
saying...that medication won't solve my problems because
medication can't erase memories. ah well. she did seem
pleased with herself after all.
last night i went to formal - it was fun, and i had the
self-control not to eat...yay for me and ana! i love
spooning, it's a lot of fun! :) out table nearly got
sconced, there was so much red wine swimming over the
table :S i should have joined in with "2p"s but i was so
scared of going psycho and losing all my friends :S
i woke up this morning to a call from the community mental
health team. i went to see Lynne again and she basically
said "you're one very ill girl and really aren't well
enough to be at uni" -SHIT! i've failed already.
i met Thea for coffee then came up to the hospital to see
the CPN...i was sat in a room with this big strong bloke
for almost an hour - i was so scared, fully expecting him
to push me down and rape me any minute...ready, set...NOW.
*sigh* i then satin the waiting room contemplating
actually how honest i had been about how i feel - i did my
risk assessment (including an extra suicidal risk form,
augh). i filled it in really honestly, and i got, um top
scores :S i'm a grade A fuck up, even if i can't pass
i then waited for ages to see the psychiatrist who talked
at me for ages and admitted me. apparently i wasn't
convincing enough that i wouldn't kill myself.
so here i am. too much of a risk apparently. i have to
defer he said...quit uni. i wish they'd understand that
it's just as hard, probably harder, at home. they're
wanting just to send me back into the services there. i
want to stay in durham but i can't be a student if i don't
keep term and attend all lectures, tutorials etc. and
seeing as i can't hack the timetable and the structure and
the feelings of empowerment and entrapment when i'm there,
it doesn't look like i can carry on.
FUCK THIS GODDAMN BASTARD WORLD!
what is the fucking point in living when i'm too screwed
up to do anything? i can't study, i can't work, i can't
live day to day fucking life. i'm so USELESS. i'm trying
to prove that i can still lose weight, that i am still
good at one thing but it isn't working fast enough. i want
thiness so badly, and i want it now!! selfish brat, me?
i'm fed up. i want to be thin. i want kahlie. i don't care
if in australia i wouldn't have access to any of the
services. i just want to be with the one person in this
world who understands me, and who makes me feel safe. i
love you - i'm sorry to be in here, i just couldn't go on