Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
Ad 2:
Ezoic
2002-10-17 22:11:36 (UTC)

the feeling came back

Yesterday I thought the deep feeling I felt for David was
going away. Today it is back. I need to say something to
him tonight!

Cal was wondering if Dave was coming over this weekend.
At first I didn't know why, but she just told me she and
Mandy want to take him to a Corn Maze. They're going with
Mandy's ex Shaun. I want to cry. If Dave comes I am
either going with them or he and I are doing something
else. I don't want her to win!

I know she isn't doing it just to get me upset, but it
does upset me. It makes me mad and sad at the same time.
It proves to me that the deep feelings I had for Dave are
still there and are not going away.

I guess I'll just invite him to go out to dinner with me
on Saturday night. That would conflict with their corn
maze plans. It would either get me invited or get Dave
not to go. I don't care what happens as long as I get to
spend time with Dave.

She cannot beat me in my mind. She has taken control over
my thoughts and I can't let that happen! I will not feel
like shit again because of what I see!

I just have to let him know that I want him to come and
that I have some sort of feelings for him. New feelings
that I have never felt before.

I care about him so much that I want to cry. That is what
it boils down to. I can only hope that he is online after
I get back from my watercolor class.

I sent an e-mail to my friend Mina. She wants to know the
whole story now. I had trouble writing an e-mail that
wasn't a mile long. I still want to shorten it a bit
before I send it to her. Also a girl I went to school
with Jan asked about my troubles. I'll write her too. I
am glad I have them to talk to about this. They are in no
way involved and do not know the people who are. Mina has
met John and knows I got drunk with Dave, but that's it.

I am going to tell him tonight that I have new feelings
for him. Feelings that are making me question how much I
love John. I'll say I want him to come over so I can see
him. I want to hug him. To feel safe in his arms.

All of this is strange right now, but I want to work out
my feelings. To understand what I feel and how deep it
goes.

I was thinking on Sunday that I am tired of John always
want me to jack him off when he comes to visit. Sunday
morning he woke up in the wee hours of the morning and
tried to get an almost asleep me to massage his balls and
I'm sure it was leading to me jacking him off...it always
does.

My problem is my shoulder can never go long enough to get
him off. I go till I can't and he takes over, but makes
sure I finish him off. He always wants to do that. To
tell you the truth I am getting tired of it. I don't feel
like doing that anymore. I understand he needs his
release, but I'm not stopping him from going in the
bathroom to do it or simply doing it right there. I just
don't want to be kinda forced to do it.

He is always trying to wake me up at night because he
can't ever seem to sleep when he's here. That drives me
nuts too. I love every minute with him that we aren't in
bed. It's when we're in bed that I almost dread
sometimes. I am not into jacking him off all the time.
He'll want it before bed and then in the morning. I guess
it's not too much to ask, but I am getting tired of it. I
just don't know how to tell him.

I am thinking I'll wait and see what he is like the next
couple of times. He isn't always quite so demanding about
it.

I want Dave to be online now. I am ready to tell him
about me deep feeling I felt. And I'm ready to tell him
that I am worried and almost crying right now because I am
confused. I want to spend more time with him because I
feel it is the right thing to do.

I haven't told Cal about any of these feelings. I don't
know what she will think or say. I also think she might
mention something to Mandy or perhaps say something to
Dave. She might get worried that I am doing something I
shouldn't do because I should be with John.

I am beginning to wonder if I shuld be with John or not
though. That is what I need to figure out right now.

The only sort of insider I have is Pierre across the
hall. He knows everything because he reads this diary. I
have to thank him for reading and listening to me.

I just wish life were simpler. All of this worrying and
going crazy is going to be the death of me.


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