No Matter How Hard I Try...
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2002-10-17 20:09:39 (UTC)

what's been wrong lately

To start are some of my horoscopes for today.
Laughing at the same old pattern makes you less likely to
repeat it. Don't feel bad about old mistakes -- you are so
much wiser about the ways of the world now. You're learning
through dating.

I do feel bad about "old mistakes" I can't help it and I
don't know if it was me ot if it's just him.
You know what they say about stopping to smell the roses.
Okay, so maybe it's not flower season where you are, but
life is pretty sweet if you know where to look. Try
counting the ways that you're lucky. There are probably too

There are no flowers where I am. And sure I have a lot to
be happy for, but this thing keeps plaguing my heart and my
head and I just don't know anymore.
Ask the others to wait a moment while you stop and check
the map. If you're supposed to be leading, it's hard to
admit that you're lost. Things were going so well that you
couldn't handle the idea of a glitch or snafu. Achieving
too much or compensating for too big of a loss sets up
expectations that are impossible to sustain. Where reason
and certainty used to be in charge, now confusion rules the
day. Confidence is shaken, and trust might even be broken.
Pick up the pieces and put them back together in ways that
won't cost your dignity or reputation.

I am so lost. I'll admit it, I'm lost and I hate it. Things
were so good and then it all one day and I don't
know what happened. I shouldn't have EVER let myself get
attached. But I hope to fix this.
Ok, I've been talking to Terry for 4 months now and we
aren't going out. Things are kinda topsy-turny though.
Sometimes things are great...other times I wonder if he
even cares. Well, lately has been a not sure time. I gave
him a letter tuesday...this is what it said


Hey! I need to talk to you at lunch :)


That was all it said. Well, from what 8 of my guy friends
say, that wasn't too smooth on my part. They said he's
going to think he screwed up and that I'm mad at him. NOT
AT ALL. I never meant for it to be that way. See, I gave it
to him and left. I said nothing, no hug, just left. I guess
it wasn't too smart on my part. I wasn't thinking. I don't
know if he personally thinks I'm mad, but I was just going
to ask him out. Nothing bad, I just can't keep beating
myself up over this. I need to know if we'll ever get
together or if I need to let go somehow and move on. I give
NO ONE 4 months. Giving a guy a week dating me is usual.
Anything more than that is weird for me. I'm just picky. I
gave Terry 4 months and we never went out. I got attached
becasue I really do like him and he somehow swept me off my
feet. What's cool is I wasn't looking for anyone and he
just showed up. Well, I plan to talk to him tonight when he
brings my sister home. See, my sister likes him too. She
hangs ALL over him and I had 2 people come up to me and say
something about it. One was like "you're sister was hugging
all up on Terry, I though he liked you" the other
said "Aren't you and Terry still talking? Does your sister
like him? I though he liked you. She was all up on him and
stuff and they were sharing a sweater and all that junk. He
might be playing you, watch out. I'll let you know if I see
anything else" Well, this one girl likes Terry but knows he
doesn't like her. She was talking to me and was like "are
you mad at him...he wants to know" Ronald said he heard I
was mad at Terry. I'm NOT! Well, I don't what to say
anymore. I am going to try to get the nerve to talk to him
tonight. I wanna say fuck it who care's if he likes me, not
big deal. But it is a big deal. My sister and her ex are
the ones that got Terry and I talking so she needs to bad
the fuck off. I really like him. And that isn't usual for
me. I want to tell him, but I doubt I could explain it to
him. I just don't know how he feels. I need to find out
though. I can't do this forever. *sigh* Life needs to be

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