2001-08-04 21:53:03 (UTC)

Brain And I

I guess ill just write about all that happened yesterday
that has me sorta scared...or just edgy and weirded out
today...and who knows till.

The story behind me and brian is very complicated, but in
his eyes, we are 'soul mates' and its a tid bit scary when
you look into that for a while....but in my eyes, all i see
that he has for me is a physical kind of attraction to
me.... i mean, he tells me more complimants about my
physical means, instead of telling me, that hmmm. your
funny, or cool to hang around with. he tells me those
things, but not half as much.

So to me, all i think is that brian is in it to (exucse my
language) , hes only in it to fuck. and that hurts, but im
not even sure, if thats really it.

So yesterday he had came over like around 1 when no one was
at home, and we of course, messed around, a lot. and he at
one point, proceeded to unzip my pants, and i had thought
that he was going to ...finger me? and at that point i
heard a noise and both of us jumped and yeah., it scared us
and we stopped. i (like an idiot) felt bad and i told him
that we'd continue or finish this later, or next time.

He goes back home and we talk for a while, or more like the
whole night and he asks me about what i had told him, but
he also says this "did you really mean what you said to me
in the bed before i left? Would you ever consider making
love to me?" and i just...felt like the most complete idiot
in the world, i had TOTALLY misunderstood what his
intentions were, and now..im in this shit.

im still a virgin, and just the way things are right now,
with std's and aids and pregnancy, its just ...scary. i do
have feelings to do 'that' or other things, i mean, i am
human, but its just...i had that, 'hes only in it to fuck'
thing in my head, and when he had said that, i didnt know
how to react to it but gettin pissed off. well, yeah. i
think thats it.

oh yeah. help.