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2002-10-17 07:37:45 (UTC)

The Truth behind the almost always happy me

Thinking about how I usually carry myself.....most of the
times I'm happy, except for when I'm online, and then
something bad happens, or happend before I got online,
which would put me in a bad mood to start with.......and
then I'm sad altogether. Back to what I was gonna talk
about....I'm not really the perfect little guy who has had
a perfect little life. I cover up my scars pretty well,
and forget they're there most of the time. My childhood
was pretty good with the exception of major bumps here and

I was about 5 years old when my parents got
divorced...Daddy had a mistress on the other side of town
and left us to be with her. I was old enough to comprehend
that it was his decision to leave us, so I kinda loss most
emotion that I had for him then, my sisters bawling after
losing their father, and I just convinced myself that I
didn't need him. It was just me, my mom, and my two
sisters, who where 4 and 3 at the time. My mother who was
just fresh out of school worked her ass off to make sure we
were always taken care of, in every way, I love my mom,
she's sacrificed a lot of things for us, and I don't always
see that. My father didn't come back into my life until I
was about 12. Now he's married to his mistress, and has 3
more kids of his own, the oldest, the same age as my sister
(Jenny she's just a year younger than me, and my sister
Evelyn is a year younger than her) The only thing my
father was good for was to give me money. I assume he did
it out of a feeling of obligation. I never once remember
telling my father I love him, I don't plan on it anytime
soon, he doesn't consider me his son at the present

My first step-dad........he.....was......demanding. He
demanded respect, he demanded my mother's full attention,
he demanded a lot of things. One of the only things I
remember about him is that when I was about 6 or 7, I did
something he didn't like, I was a michievious child, and he
took me up to the attic and tied me up. He left me there
for 3 hours, until my mom came up to untie me as soon as
she got home. Let's just say he wasn't my step-dad anymore
after that, my mom had him packing in minutes after that.

My mom's current boyfriend isn't all that great, but he's
ok. We just have an understanding, he stays out of my
life, and my affairs, I stay out of his. That works out
really well.

When I was 8 years old, my older cousin molested me. It
went on for a few years cuz I was both scared to say
anything and ashamed. It kept on going until I decided I
didn't want to do it anymore. Then he raped me. I told my
mom that that happend, and he was put in a mental
institution. He's skiszophrenic, that was a time in my
life where I felt lost. I kept telling myself I was
straight, and I pulled it off for a few months, when I
started realizing that I was attracted to guys. I've
blamed what happend between my cousin and I on my
sexuality, and have always questioned whether I would be
straight if that had never of happend. I don't regret who
I am now, but there were about 3 years where I hated
myself, and felt disgusted about being gay. It wasn't
until a little after I turned 18 that I accepted to myself
who I was, and then decided to gradually let others
discover who I am. About 10 months later, now having
constant boy trouble, I know that despite all the
hardships, I think if I can make it through all of that, I
can make it through anything. Thanx for reading, *love you

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