Thoughts from Blue Angel
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2001-08-04 18:20:59 (UTC)

The Biggest Disappointment of My Life Thus Far

I don't even know if I can write about this. The tears are
already starting, and I haven't said anything yet. Maybe
that's a good sign, because I haven't even been able to
make myself cry about it until now. I tried, knowing that
it would relieve the pressure... I don't know how to
explain the pressure. It's like an extreme feeling of
emotional numbness, like when your foot goes to sleep. You
know the emotions are there, but you can't feel them. They
are just there. You can't cry. You can't smile. You
can't think about what's happened, but at the same time,
you can't get it out of the back of your mind.

I went to see Adam yesterday and spent the night last
night. Yesterday was a great day! We spent a few hours at
the college he went to last year. I got to meet all the
guys in his old frat and we hung out at the house. We went
to pick up his old roommate at his apartment, and he was
awesome! (And hot. His name was Jonathan. Cool guy!)

I got a nice little taste of college life. Beer bottles
and pizza boxes all over the place at the frat house.
Jonathan left the bathroom door open while he took a
shower, singing at the top of his lungs. (Of course, this
was all after he sat and talked to us in just a towel for a
good 15 minutes.) Adam and I made out on the couch while
Jon did his thing, being really cool about ignoring us.
But now that I'm rambling, the point I was making is that I
got a BIG lesson on true college life. No privacy leads to
no modesty.

Since Adam's parents were out of town, he was getting some
beer for a party at his house, so once we had that, we
drove down there. About 20 people showed up, and all but
one were guys. The girl was really nice, but she had to
leave early, so here I am, 100 miles away from home with a
lot of guys and 4 cases of Bud Light.

So, I drank for the first time in my life. Not very much,
mind you, but I drank. I sipped on a beer for a few
minutes (still gagging) and ended up drinking less than 1/4
of it, and then I ended up sipping about half a bottle of Sw
(whatever it is) Ice. Just enough to get me a little warm
and fuzzy. It was pretty good. :) Adam and Jonathan
stayed pretty well sober, but the rest of the guys were
drunk off their asses by 11:30 or so. When the drunkest
guy wouldn't stop following me around, I was glad that I'd
decided to go light on the alcohol, because fifteen drunk
guys and one girl is with only one guy sober enough to be
in his right mind is not a good situation. As Adam got
drunker, he hung all over me more and more, and I was cool
with that, but I did pull away a few times. Going back to
the college life thing, we had an audience of course, but
we didn't really care. By 1:00, the drinking was over, and
Jonathan was the only one left besides me who wasn't
drunk. (Talk about tolerance! He had 9, and you honestly
couldn't tell he was drinking AT ALL until after 7.)
Needless to say, I kept closeby knowing that he was the
only one still in his right mind.

Well, as soon as we got everyone in bed, Adam and I went
into his room. After three tries, we finally got everyone
settled enough to have some time to ourselves. The sex was
horrible as far as connecting on an intimate level goes. I
mean, the sex sex part was good, but that's all there was.
No kissing, no foreplay. Just sex. I kissed him a few
times, but it was obvious that wasn't what we were there
for. He went for a long time, and it was really really
great. (God, he's huge!) I never understood until last
night why people get so out of breath when their on the
bottom, but I found out! Anyway, we were really moaning
and shaking the walls (I've SO never had that kind of sex
in my life!) with at least six other guys in the house, all
making fun of us in their drunken stupor, I'm sure. We got
walked in on once, and they kept knocking on the door.
Eventually, we'd just keep going as Adam yelled, "GO
AWAY!" Oh, and did I mention that on top of all of this,
I'm ragging! Talk about romantic.

After we were through, we cuddled up and asked each other
what we were thinking. He told me he wished I were going
to a school closer to him, because he knew it would work
out. I told him I was hoping that what we'd just done
wasn't just a fuck. He'd fallen asleep by the time I said
it.... By this morning, we were back to back, and I was
afraid to cuddle up.

It wasn't exactly what I expected from Adam. From most
guys, it wouldn't surprise me, but Adam... Especially not
our first time. He always talked about how he loved to
take the time to cuddle and be "sweet as sugar." It wasn't
making love. There was no caring or passion. It was
fucking. I might as well have fucked one of the other guys
there that I'd never met before. I'm sure any of them
would have gone for it, considering they were completely
sloshed and I was the only female in the house.

He left for a men's breakfast at his church (ironic, no?)
at 7:00, leaving without a goodbye kiss or anything. When
he got back, he drove me back to my car. We didn't talk
much at all for that half hour. When we got there, he was
in a real rush to leave. We hugged and I told him I was
sorry, and he said we'd talk about it later. A kiss on the
cheek. He was gone, doors were slammed, I drove the 110
miles back in an hour and a half. I e-mailed him.


Well, I thought about all the things I would probably
tell you if I had the nerve on the drive home, but then I
realized that it would be pointless even if I did. I think
you made it pretty obvious that you don't really give a
fuck. So you *used to be* one of those guys, huh?
yeah... "You can trust me, baby." And I did trust you.

I'm not talking about the fact that it happened, because
we both know that neither of us is more to blame for that
one than the other. But I am talking about the fact that
last night was the very first time in my life that I had
ever been flat out fucked. I guess I should have stopped
it when I realized that it was just that, but I guess I got
caught up in the moment. I guess I had this idea that it
was the beer making you so unaffectionate and that you'd
wake up in the morning with a completely different attitude
about it than you did in reality. I was wrong.

So, yeah, I'm sorry for letting it happen (especially
considering that I was the sober one), but I'm not sorry
for this shit now, because to tell you the truth, I have
nothing to be sorry for, except maybe for going down there
at all.

I guess I was too quick to believe that I was special to
you, but whether it's true or not, I feel like I'm no more
important to you than any of the other girls you've ever
taken home and had a nice little drunken fuck with and
forgotten the next day.

So, yeah... There it is. The Adam I spent yesterday
with is not the person I thought you were, and I'd be lying
if I told you I wasn't pissed. So, I'm gonna end this
before I end up saying that I might really regret later.


I wish I never would have gone. I had a bad feeling about
it. I hadn't eaten since before work Thursday until just
now because my stomach just couldn't take it, and now, even
with the one veggie dog I just ate, I'm feeling wheezy, and
I don't think I'm gonna be able to force down another bite
today. My nerves are absolutely shot.

Even now, after writing all of this, the pressure is still
there. I only cried a few tears, and the rest are
somewhere way down deep inside. When I start to think
about it, my mind wanders to other things. I guess that
beats feeling it full on, but this tension and nervousness
has got my stomach tied up into a big knot. (And isn't
that the way it happens? I finally am on my period and not
having cramps, but I've got a bad case of the bac kind of
butterflies that won't go away!)